WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today. “For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.” According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service. “The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.” Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024. “From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.” ****New in the shop:********This meeting should've been a Signal chat mug**** Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command?_****🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the****_ _****Duffel Blog Shop****_ _****.****_ Check it out → Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug. “Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.” Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool. “I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon. “If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.” Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services. “Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once. Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more. The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction. “I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.” The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear. “Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.” The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists. This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: _warfighting_ and _drinking_. “I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.” Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear. While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance. Leave a comment 🖊️ _****Gray Sea Liu****_ __is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.__ VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”Duffel BlogCat AstronautAutomated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study FindsJust hang on. Not yourself, silly!Duffel BlogClay BeyersdorferVA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.Duffel BlogDuffel Blog StaffPentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”Duffel BlogAs for ClassProject 2025 to cut veteransGOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificedDuffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer SPONSORED ****Shop Duffel Blog**** Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command?_****🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the****_ _****Duffel Blog Shop****_ _****.****_ Check it out →

### In This Issue: * **Story Roundup** : Comic Sans on official documents, Hegseth using a green screen to win wars, and a shocking whistleblower complaint alleges the DNI is actually Tulsi Gabbard. * **What We're Reading** : A Guard rifle left in a Bourbon Street bathroom, two Navy ships discovering each other the hard way, a colonel trying to impress a date with SECRET battle plans, and the Pentagon’s latest coal-powered nostalgia tour. * **Weekly Survey Results** : Some readers tell us what is truly hurting retention; one in particular complains we didn't give an option of "all of the above." * Plus memes from the digital smokepit, reader feedback, and a very good dog as our latest Wardog of the Week. **_The full briefing is for paid subscribers. Upgrade accordingly._** ## Comic Sans named official font of Department of War The Pentagon has announced it would also be updating its typography standards, with Comic Sans chosen as the official font for documents going forward. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the decision on X, explaining that Comic Sans was "tough" and "cool." “Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.” ## Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed this week. During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House. ## Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence. “This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.” ## What We're Reading ### WWLTV: National Guard soldier leaves rifle in French Quarter bathroom A Louisiana National Guard soldier accidentally left his AR-15 unattended in a French Quarter bathroom, where it was later recovered by law enforcement. Officials confirmed the weapon was secured without incident and that the soldier faces administrative review, proving once again that operational security is strongest right up until someone sets their rifle down next to the paper towel dispenser. Authorities emphasized there was no public threat, which is comforting, though it does raise questions about how the Guard plans to defend the homeland if it occasionally forgets which stall it used. The rifle has since been returned to military custody, presumably after a stern counseling session and a reminder that weapons accountability applies both on and off Bourbon Street. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence. The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright. “This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today. “We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.” During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House. “As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT_CITY_FINAL_v7_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we used live ammunition for realism, so people still died for no reason.” Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to influence foreign countries may actually lead to better outcomes. “Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.” Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear in the defense budget, though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.' Leave a comment 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__ ****Take the survey********:**** What’s most affecting retention right now? 1. Pay that doesn’t survive contact with rent 2. Leadership that learned nothing from the last survey 3. Housing that inspectors agree is “acceptable” 4. Being treated like a child with a clearance Let us know Psychological Operations Debuts New ‘Longest Tab’The tab, to be placed on the upper left sleeve of any military uniform, can be worn by any service member that ever held the 37-series designationDuffel BlogDuffel Blog StaffAbsolute psycho brought everything on the packing listHopefully someone packed a straitjacket.Duffel BlogCobra CommanderPentagon says vaccinated troops no longer have to wear masks while throwing up in an UberFinally a return to normalcy.Duffel BlogCat AstronautArmy Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does NothingAfter extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.Duffel BlogSgt BBudget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cordEvery penny counts.Duffel BlogCobra Commander

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead. The letter read: > Hey warriors, losers, and ladies, > > The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!! > > By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans. Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.” “It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.” The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!” “Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

<p>WASHINGTON — Officials with <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/" rel="noreferrer">Immigration and Customs Enforcement</a> are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/" rel="noreferrer">failing the ASVAB</a>, sources confirmed today.</p><p>“ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office.</p><p>The <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/" rel="noreferrer">Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery</a>, or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement.</p><p>“The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.”</p><p>According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/" rel="noreferrer">ICE service</a> — has fallen to historic lows.</p><p>“The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/halfway-heroes-near-veterans-seek-recognition-for-almost-serving-in-military/" rel="noreferrer">disqualified from military service</a> is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.”</p><p>ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/" rel="noreferrer">genius-level military jobs</a>, relative to ICE.’</p><p>“Kids are taking jobs like <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/historic-first-female-infantry-private-marries-male-stripper-in-killeen-tx/" rel="noreferrer">Army infantryman</a> or <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest/" rel="noreferrer">Marine wall-licker</a>, which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar.</p><p>In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/recruiter-nervously-watching-economy/" rel="noreferrer">outside-the-box recruiting</a> solutions.</p><p>“We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2026/01/29/confidence-in-trump-dips-and-fewer-now-say-they-support-his-policies-and-plans/">drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.</a>”</p><p>These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/" rel="noreferrer">Alex Pretti</a> was doing when they shot him ten times. </p><p>The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-described-peers-playfully-racist-actually-extremely-racist/" rel="noreferrer">racism waiver,</a>’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice. </p><p>“That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/" rel="noreferrer">Stephen Miller</a>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/nov/14/stephen-miller-leaked-emails-white-nationalism-trump">a level-150 racist</a> serving in the White House.</p><p>Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic.</p><p>“We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door.</p><div class="kg-card kg-button-card kg-align-center"><a href="#ghost-comments-root" class="kg-btn kg-btn-accent">Leave a comment</a></div><div class="kg-card kg-callout-card kg-callout-card-grey"><div class="kg-callout-emoji">🖊️</div><div class="kg-callout-text"><i><b><strong class="italic" style="white-space:pre-wrap">Cobra Commander</strong></b></i><i><em class="italic" style="white-space:pre-wrap">’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.</em></i></div></div><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="100" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2025/10/star-div.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2025/10/star-div.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png 1200w" /></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="330" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png 1200w" /></figure><div class="kg-card kg-cta-card kg-cta-bg-yellow kg-cta-minimal "> <div class="kg-cta-content"> <div class="kg-cta-content-inner"> <div class="kg-cta-text"> <p><a href="https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69" class="cta-link-color"><b><strong style="white-space:pre-wrap">Take the survey</strong></b></a><b><strong style="white-space:pre-wrap">: </strong></b><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">Is the military preparing for the right war?</span><br /><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">1. Yes</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">2. No</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">3. They're preparing for the last one</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">4. They're preparing for budget hearings and PowerPoint</span></p> </div> <a href="https://forms.gle/eVrG3XM2ACvypSgt6" class="kg-cta-button kg-style-accent" style="color:#FFFFFF"> Let us know </a> </div> </div> </div><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="100" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2025/10/star-div.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2025/10/star-div.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png 1200w" /></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card kg-width-wide"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="330" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png 600w, 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src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/54843751096_2b16c76bee_k-2.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">Project 2025 to cut veterans</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-337.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Clay Beyersdorfer</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/558b3f7f-e46a-451e-9acf-1fab57a8eaef_3000x2000-3.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" 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href="https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-339.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Dark Laughter</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/75519daa-76cc-4a6a-bf79-50544c06a009_1200x800-1.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">Marine Commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-340.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Red Friday</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/2789f1af-bbf0-4761-a7f4-4e22f48c7f44_4078x2294.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure>

<p>WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_Navy_enlisted_rates">U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks</a> were, in fact, entirely made up.</p><p>“Gotcha,” Caudle said.</p><p>Flanked by grinning <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-captain-whaling/" rel="noreferrer">senior Navy leaders</a>, Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — was actually a prank as old as the nation itself. An accompanying press release from the <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/" rel="noreferrer">Office of the Naval Historian</a> stated that the elaborate hoax dates back to Revolutionary-era tensions between Esek Hopkins, the Navy’s first commander, and Gen. George Washington, owing to the latter’s preeminence and nominal control over the Continental Navy.</p><p>In a letter to his wife, Hopkins reportedly wrote:</p><blockquote><em>“Gen’l Washington is a pricke. He bears himself with such sanctimony one’d think the Almighty’d granted him command by thunderbolt. In truth, the man’s a pompous, overweening popinjay, and I’ll be damn’d if I heed the counsel of so preenin’ a fop — leastwise not one who sees the Navy as naught but his waterborne mule-train.”</em></blockquote><p>According to historians, Hopkins devised the “improv’d ranke” system during a binge on plundered Bahamian rum with his crew. In notes from his logbook, he described with great pride the petty ruse played on “that right bastard with wood’n teeth and a disposition to match,” tricking the famously straight-laced Washington into inadvertently using the foul language of a common sailor. </p><p>Of the Navy’s most basic enlisted rank, Hopkins wrote:</p><blockquote><em>“I’ll name ‘em Seamen, spelled right but soundin’ wrong — and next time the goode Virginian’s troops need their arses saved, he’ll be beggin’ me fer all semen he can get, with nary a clue he’d saved his boys, but made an arse of hisself. The joke’ll outlive us all.”</em></blockquote><p>Hopkins further decreed that enlisted sailors would simply invent their own ranks as they saw fit, but present them “solemn as Sunday,” ensuring soldiers would assume any confusion stemmed from their own ignorance rather than Navy fuckery. As the prank evolved through the 19th century, limited standardization was introduced to better conceal the deceit, generally restricting ranks to a few capital letters followed by numbers that looked official enough from a distance.</p><p>“My Labradoodle’s name is Mr. Gumballs and I was born in 2002,” explained MRG02 Bethany Evanchuk, <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-marine-capitalized/" rel="noreferrer">a public affairs</a> E-3 taking photos at the press conference. “It just felt right.”</p><p>Her supervisor, BBC69 Carissa Nowak, said such choices were common.</p><p>“We usually just pick something we like,” she said, declining to explain hers.</p><div class="gh-paid-content-notice"><h3>This post is for subscribers only</h3><p>Become a member to get access to all content</p><a class="gh-paid-content-cta" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-admits-it-been-making-up-enlisted-rank-this-whole-time-2/#/portal/signup">Subscribe now</a></div>

<p><strong>Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.</strong></p><p>Since the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Alex_Pretti">shooting of Alex Pretti</a>, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my left forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/court-takes-everything-from-man-with/" rel="noreferrer">come and take them</a>” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way.</p><p>Even the ancient <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/spartan-worshipping-marine-throws-defective-son-cliff/" rel="noreferrer">Spartans</a> would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary <em>300</em>, which was about fighting to <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/" rel="noreferrer">keep immigrants out</a> of your country. Not a rifle in sight.</p><p>Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/military-drawing-up-plans-for-nation-wide-gun-confiscations/" rel="noreferrer">open-carrying an AR-15</a> in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/police-military/" rel="noreferrer">cops to shoot me</a>, and frankly I’d have understood.</p><p>It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-reads-constitution-immediately-regrets-enlisting-to-defend-it/" rel="noreferrer">Bill of Rights sometime</a>. Sure, freedom of speech <em>sounds</em> good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/fred-phelps-dies-westboro-baptist-church-plans-to-protest-funeral/" rel="noreferrer">freedom of speech</a> to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested? </p><p>That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/" rel="noreferrer">That sounds like woke.</a></p><p>People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/supreme-court-strikes-down-2nd-amendment/" rel="noreferrer">The Second Amendment</a> literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThhm1-g1a8">pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them</a> for saying the word ‘fascist.’</p><p>ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. Add on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know <a href="https://www.pbump.net/o/ices-excuse-for-wearing-masks-has-never-actually-manifested/">how many ICE officers</a> have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument.</p><div class="gh-paid-content-notice"><h3>This post is for subscribers only</h3><p>Become a member to get access to all content</p><a class="gh-paid-content-cta" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-my-come-and-take-them-tattoo-was-about-my-rights-not-guns/#/portal/signup">Subscribe now</a></div>

<p>AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/" rel="noreferrer">a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community</a>, has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today.</p><p>The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blasts-fbi-overreach-after/" rel="noreferrer">quiet erosion of principles</a>, feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/" rel="noreferrer">COMMUNISM</a> IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard,<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/iraqi-freedom-reunion/" rel="noreferrer"> I went to IRAQ</a>,” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard.</p><p>“It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-affirms-support-for-troops-so-long-as-they-dont-get-captured-tortured-elected-senator-killed-b/" rel="noreferrer">on whatever the president just said.”</a></p><p>Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “<a href="https://www.newsweek.com/kash-patel-sparks-fury-from-gun-rights-groups-over-alex-pretti-remarks-11415842">Please take it, daddy</a>,” “Kick in my door, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/jan/21/ice-arrests-five-year-old-boy-minnesota">kidnap my family</a>,” and “<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/Minneapolis/comments/1qlyj9h/i_did_my_best_to_stabilize_the_video_you_can/">Shoot here, masked officer</a>,” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye.</p><p>Many customers expressed excitement about the new line.</p><p>“I used to support the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Philando_Castile" rel="noreferrer">Second Amendment for white people</a>, and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “<a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/in-wake-of-sex-scandals-air-force-dismantles-fleet-of-pussy-wagon-recruiting-vehicles/" rel="noreferrer">Pussy Magnet</a>” Johnson. “But now that the <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/fifth-estate-wikileaks-film/" rel="noreferrer">federal government</a> — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.”</p><p>“I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/military-drawing-up-plans-for-nation-wide-gun-confiscations/" rel="noreferrer">going to come take our guns</a>,” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.”</p><p>Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have <a href="https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/ice-deported-3-children-who-are-u-s-citizens-their-families-lawyers-say">been five years old</a>,” which the company expects to be top sellers.</p><p>At press time, <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads/" rel="noreferrer">Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth</a> was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my <a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/" rel="noreferrer">knees for you, Mr. Policeman</a>” shirts on the way to a botox appointment.</p><div class="kg-card kg-button-card kg-align-center"><a href="#ghost-comments-root" class="kg-btn kg-btn-accent">Leave a comment</a></div><div class="kg-card kg-callout-card kg-callout-card-grey"><div class="kg-callout-emoji">🖊️</div><div class="kg-callout-text"><i><b><strong class="italic" style="white-space:pre-wrap">Red Friday </strong></b></i><i><em class="italic" style="white-space:pre-wrap">wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed</em></i></div></div><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="100" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2025/10/star-div.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2025/10/star-div.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png 1200w" /></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="330" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2026/01/SURVEY.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2026/01/SURVEY.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY.png 1200w" /></figure><div class="kg-card kg-cta-card kg-cta-bg-yellow kg-cta-minimal "> <div class="kg-cta-content"> <div class="kg-cta-content-inner"> <div class="kg-cta-text"> <p><a href="https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69" class="cta-link-color"><b><strong style="white-space:pre-wrap">Take the survey</strong></b></a><b><strong style="white-space:pre-wrap">: </strong></b><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">Which phrase should be banned from military emails?</span><br /><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">1. "Per my last email" </span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">2. "Circle back"</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">3. "Warrior Ethos"</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">4. "V/R"</span><br /><span style="white-space:pre-wrap">5. "All of the above"</span></p> </div> <a href="https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69" class="kg-cta-button kg-style-accent" style="color:#FFFFFF"> Let us know </a> </div> </div> </div><figure class="kg-card kg-image-card kg-width-wide"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png" class="kg-image" alt="" loading="lazy" width="1200" height="330" srcset="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w600/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png 600w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/size/w1000/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png 1000w, https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png 1200w" /></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-support-troops-100-long-agree-100-political-views/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">Opinion: I support the troops 100% as long as they agree 100% with my political views</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">By Doug Abernathy</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-324.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Duffel Blog Staff</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1612018883322-f9b7fd468dad-4" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/patriotic-soldier-loves-america-so/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking.”</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-326.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Duffel Blog</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/597859c3-0569-41cf-91f7-f57095f1f712_800x533.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-local-veteran-supports-whatever-random-thing-trump-is-doing-in-middle-east-right-now/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">TRUE PATRIOT! Local veteran supports whatever random thing Trump is doing in Middle East right now</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">Now THAT is a patriot! Unlike shiftless Democrats, Anders has stuck by President Trump through thick and thin.</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-325.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Duffel Blog Staff</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1529787730-bdcabd22a644" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">8 Grunt Style T-shirts that scream ‘I can’t move on’</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">There’s one for every professional veteran.</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-327.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Duffel Blog Staff</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/044dcb48-15a0-4147-a1b4-23106fea8711_1200x715.jpg" alt="" /></div></a></figure><figure class="kg-card kg-bookmark-card"><a class="kg-bookmark-container" href="https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt/"><div class="kg-bookmark-content"><div class="kg-bookmark-title">Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt</div><div class="kg-bookmark-description">Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’</div><div class="kg-bookmark-metadata"><img class="kg-bookmark-icon" src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-328.png" alt="" /><span class="kg-bookmark-author">Duffel Blog</span><span class="kg-bookmark-publisher">Task Force Football Bat</span></div></div><div class="kg-bookmark-thumbnail"><img src="https://www.duffelblog.com/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-08-at-2.09.46---PM.png" alt="" /></div></a></figure>

Junior sailors unsure whether to laugh, report to NCIS, or contact The Hague

White House says incident reflects ‘evolving interpretation of peace’

One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse

Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability

Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force

White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute

Marvel says former Venezuelan leader brings ‘authentic menace’ to next film.

President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’

Administration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’

President says deal would be ‘tremendous,’ ‘very fair,’ and ‘honestly a win for everyone’

“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.

Notorious home invader finally neutralized in Christmas Eve strike, officials say.

Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.

Pentagon confirms use of 47,000 troops, 92 aircraft, and 13 general officers to oversee the operation.

Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy.