This is how I feel called out as I sit with the riot client open

Once its all done I think I want to sit down and play Metroid Dread again. Or possibly even prime 4 if I have it spare to afford

I just really don't like doing stuff if it feels forced. It's why I don't do art because there's so much mental block behind it that I only do rough sketches and get help from an artist to save my mental.

Even when I made a short clip it felt like it took me hours to do basic stuff.

And it's fine it isn't working out. Maybe it will in the future when I can workout a better work space or free time. But the job I have doesn't really work for it because it isn't contracted days. Every week is different so the schedule to stream/record would constantly change as well.

I've already put in a return for it and I'll drop it off to get my money back. If I hold on to it and try to make it work? I'll likely be back to square one where I don't have time to do anything and then I can't refund it.

So I've ultimately just come down to the decision that it isn't possible to do with the little time I have and it isn't worth stressing out over. I did end up buying the capture card again in hopes I could have done stuff with this week off. But I've only just started to recover at the end of it.

Not only is it learning how to edit. It's if I want to even stream or set everything up to record. Which, again, I have a few hours a night to do. So if I do any streaming/recording? It means I have to edit another night. But then I can't stream/record if I'm doing that.

Even times when I tried to learn how to do it, it felt bad. I know it comes with practice getting better. But I already have very little time when it comes to doing anything and I don't want to use the couple of hours I have a night learning how to edit.

Stomach definitely "Feels" better. But it stills hurts. But at least food is staying in which is the main thing. Just have to hope it fully goes.

At least I'm at home and not having to work, or ring up sick and sort all of that out.

I sure hope so as I've been looking forward to this week off for multiple reasons. And so far? The weekend leading up to it was "Is this a cold? Am I sick?" to "Yeah... I'm definitely sick"

As the TMI is I'm not risking a stream when I may have to suddenly go to the toilet.

Otherwise it'll be if I decide to do so when other games come out and get a capture card again. I can get one for cheap(ish) but I needed the money at the moment.

TL:DR is I may or may not stream as it was always supposed to be to chill or for fun and neither of those I have the energy to do.

Every time I setup everything I just sit and stare at it as my mind says "I really can't be bothered." as the energy to have to try an do a stream either to get content for a potential video (or if people watch) just isn't there. So I may still do it if I do something on the PC.

Since I only use the capture card for the switch, and the pro controller to use the switch docked... part of me is saying "I could get a quite a bit of money for them and I do also need it this time of the year"

But I also want to stream stuff as new games are coming out I've waited for.

I decided to make a cake instead and just going to chill with some videos and TCG.

I think part of the mental block is being away for so long because of the break, but also being ill. So trying to come back just feels "eh" and there's the money side to it as well.