im in utah and there's ants in my house every year. coincidentally my phone location gets mistaken for california on occasion. stupid government guy needs to quit relying on unreliable phone data.

MY TUMMY RUMBLES FOR QUOTATION MARKS AND COMMAS. I CRAVE APOSTROPHES IN MY CONTRACTIONS. *AGGRESSIVE CLINKING OF FORK AGAINST GLASS*

I GET THROWN A PERIOD AND IM LIKE "OH MY GOD. DELICIOUS. I WANT MORE. PLEASE FEED ME PUNCTUATION. IM STARVING."

oh also

i was talking about how they take a sample from inside but she thought i was talking about how they use those duck beak plyers to open you up. so i guess she thought i was imagining the gyno fucking using those bad boys like an ice cream scoop 😭

she couldn't speak for like a solid minute

the implications of this post have me feeling... i don't know how to desecribe it other than bruh

I LOVE BEING AMERICAN SO FUCKING MUCH IT'S SO BENEFICIAL

i meant graceful but yeah sire. gracious.

like how are you simultaneously the most gracious and unserious creature i have ever seen. teach me your majestic ways, funny bird.