anyways im 29 now ayy yay nothing has changed in the past year except for that I now know for sure things will always be shit for me
enhorabuena

i fear saying what its about cheapens it
mbad sorry bout that

i noticed way too late that i forgot the reins on the white horse and u know what. that guy has a horsegirl phase in his backstory he gets to live his best life

usually abouuut the same number but slightly higher, so like 450 usd i think !
euro and usd are more or less head to head

("for christmas i wish for psychological help", it was too perfect not to use it, in german and all lmao)

ill see. this year i gotta soft-launch my diagnosis, and it might not go well, but if im lucky ill be able to ask for a shorter trip for easter instead, or sth in summer. the winter trip is just always super long and insanely expensive

its just also. SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE like holy shit id love to have my 400 euros and just not feel bad bc wtf

i usually dont rly get time for myself,,, its all either among family or among friends or while traveling out in public
thats also why im usually stressed for the whole 2 weeks and rn mentally im at a. big tipping point where idk if i can stomach it
i hope it passes quickly aaa

me too but. im not hopeful lol
im already having arguments about the accomodation situation and i feel like the visit will set me back in therapy even further than it did in previous years. i just. dont wanna go somewhere where i have to act and mask to that extend anymore

ya, im german but live in spain
its just. two weeks where i gotta have a social event every day and then "do it all" while also not having any privacy ever, and i have to be happy and sociable the entire time bc everything else wouldnt be acceptable
plus. you know. family
id rather rot

trust me i thought long and hard about not going, especially this year, but thats not an option for several reasons. its just one of those things i gotta drag myself through by the scruff of my neck

thank youu :>

sorry for whining and crying and then immediately sitting down to do a thing again

it will happen again

that plus the urge to self isolate plus not doing anything for fun anymore plus never wanting to eat
its a lot.

i just forced myself to finish my last writing project I actually wanted to do and now I'm sitting here with nothing

i have like without exageration 15 unfinished things in folders that I wanna delete because I just think theyre ugly, they lack direction,they dont work
and then I try other drawing methods and of course that doesnt work either
I just feel like I actually have 0 vision and shouldnt be drawing at all