I miss rping

nocturnal sect on AST
card/sigil gambling on AST
inner release lasting longer than 3 fell cleaves on WAR
tank and off tank stances/enmity rotations vs damage rotations

please give me my enrichment back 😭

if you're curious what nostalgic December smells like its...
the first time you turn the furnace on to heat the home and it smells like during dust
and the way too warm christmas lights during the dust off the tree too

December is just burning dust season lol

but whos going to buy them? I no longer have SNAP lol Ive been starving myself because I rather die than eat whatever my parents have in the house

not to mention, I have to go downstairs to eat and going downstairs means I have to deal with my parents and mask as the perfect daughter to please them

my parents are taking note of how little I eat right now
its typically 1 half assed meal a day
but the thing is if I have little small things to eat throughout the day instead of having to commit to sitting down and eating a meal...it just suits me better

my dad and mom asking me what I want for thanksgiving and asking what I like just for my dad to say no to my favorite dish and also recommend me the same ones we always make that I don't eat or flat out hate
(stuffing literally makes me gag if I stand too close)
WHATS THE POINT OF ASKING???

I don't need a huge audience, but what if...what if I had one? what if more than like 2 people liked my creative ideas? what if I put myself out there? what if I created and made and shared and loved?

it all seems like a dream...
but it doesn't have to be

I don't want to make a vn or novel because I like them and am passionate about them
I want to make them because I can tell my stories with them and now I have even more fuel to because of how well received Takopi was

I find it funny that I'm attempting novel writing for Lenci's story
and visual novel crafting for my original splatoon concept
BUT I've never really played visual novels
or read novels outside of coursework

alright my migraine is getting too strong i need to pass out now
don't expect me to be normal about this anime for the next 3 months

I'm not just feeling fulfilled and whatever else complicated feelings I'm experiencing
I'm feeling inspired too
if a brutally beautiful story like the many others I've crafted, can be so successful and well received, I have hopes so can mine

its been 3+ years since I shifted out of consuming much of any media and and into investing in making my own "media" with rp and talking about it with the person I rped with (with occasional art or writing)

I thought I would never be as fulfilled again, yet Takopi gently held me and reassured me

this is genuinely a life changing mark or check point or key memory or WHATEVER for me

a moment of respite
everything feels like nothing but not in a heavy and bad way - a light way
I feel light...and free...

Takopi's original sin.
I binged it on a sleepless night after a friend recommended it to me months before my break up
6 episodes that filled the painful dreadful hole in my life that I thought I would never get back

I never thought any media out there could fill that hole
I gave up till this one..

while creating things is fun and has been rewarding in its own way, it feel like more work than play compared to rp

I realized that I needed SOME kind of media to fall in love with again, but nothing fit what I was looking for until

rp, after all, is an activity with 2 or more people involved and bringing my emotional baggage from my break up into a social space was just not a good idea

but I missed it....
I tried taking the story concepts that belonged to me and making solo creative works with them to fill the void but

about another week or so later it was replaced with dread that I would never have what I once had back and I would never find a replacement as perfect as I had with my ex

another week or so and
all my attempts to get that piece of me back have been too soon, I craved it but I haven't healed yet