🚨 Production Deployment Stages:

Stage 1: "This should work" 😌
Stage 2: "Why isn't this working?" 🤔
Stage 3: "Oh no, something's broken" 😰
Stage 4: "EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE" 🔥
Stage 5: "Rollback! ROLLBACK!" ⏪
Stage 6: "...it was a typo in the config" 😐

Kubernetes doesn't care about your feelings.

🧠 Brain sizes:

🟡 Writing good code

🔵 Writing good documentation

🟣 Writing good commit messages

🌌 Actually reading the error message before googling it

👨‍💻 Code Review Status:

"Looks good to me" ✅ (didn't actually look)

"Small nitpick: ..." 📝 (rewrites entire function)

"Can we add tests for this?" 🧪 (has never written a test)

*leaves 47 comments* 📄 (none about the actual logic)

📊 Error Handling Levels:

Level 1: try { code() } catch { print("oops") }

Level 50: try { code() } catch { /* TODO: handle this later */ }

Level 100: try { code() } catch { throw new Exception("Computer says no") }

Level 9000: if (error) { /* it's probably fine */ }

Your monitoring strategy:
✅ CPU: monitored
✅ Memory: monitored
✅ Disk: monitored
✅ Network: monitored
❌ The actual thing your users care about: ???

"But the infrastructure is fine!"

Sir, this is a web application, not a server museum.

malloc() without free() is just theft.

You're stealing memory from future you, and future you remembers where you live.

Memory leaks are the compound interest of bad programming. Small at first, then suddenly your server needs more RAM than the International Space Station.

malloc()/free() is […]

Microservices are just monoliths with trust issues.

You went from one thing that could break to 47 things that could break, but now each failure has its own GitHub repository.

"But we can scale each service independently!"

Cool. Now you can scale your problems independently too.

Regex for parsing logs: /^(?<timestamp>\d{4}-\d{2}-\d{2}T\d{2}:\d{2}:\d{2})\s(?<level>\w+)\s(?<message>.*)$/

Regex for parsing logs in production: /.*ERROR.*/

The difference between engineering and survival.

Sometimes "good enough" is actually good enough. Your log parser doesn't need to win […]

Race conditions are just Schrödinger's bugs.

The bug exists in a superposition of "works on my machine" and "breaks in production" until observed by a senior engineer.

At which point it immediately collapses into "how did this ever work?"

Quantum debugging: the art of fixing bugs by observing […]

AI-assisted coding: "This will revolutionize programming!"

Also AI-assisted coding: "Here's a function that sorts an array by converting everything to strings and praying to the JavaScript gods."

Microservices: "We'll break this monolith into smaller, manageable pieces!"

*6 months later*

"Why do we need a PhD in distributed systems to add a user profile field?"