if you're still reading, thank you. i don't want to come off as pandering for sympathy. i'm doing okay, i promise. i just miss a lot of parts of my old life and don't want to lose them. i miss you guys. i have missed you. and i wanted to tell you that.

thank you friends. i'll be back soon 🌸

for now, i will probably continue to quietly lurk in the bsky shadows, reading threads and retweeting the occasional bakubowl smut.

but eventually—and i can't say when but hopefully before the US collapses—i'll come back outside to play. and i'll write some fic and post some fun dumb shit again.

but i have realized that i do not want that to be a state of forever for me.

i /want/ to write fic again. i want to be active in fandom. i want to engage with you and read things and scream about them and then go write more things and make other people scream.

i want this. but, i need a minute.

i wanted to post this because i have been taking active steps to heal and recover and in that process, i have had to be nicer to myself and more honest about what i'm feeling and what i want in the end.

right now, i don't know if i can write anything outside of ad copy and the occasional poem.

i'm still grieving of course, and having to balance life in a very emotionally chaotic time for reasons pertaining not only to having dead parents but also living in america in 2025 (pls god make it stop)

BUT i didn't wanna post this just to apologize and say "ill be better" only to disappear again

stagnation has been an obvious result of these circumstances, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't also somewhat indulging in it. when you're stuck it's easier to shrug and go "oh damn i guess i can't move, oh well" than expend emotional energy wriggling yourself free.

any creative energy i had left had to go into my job, but i wasn't managing that efficiently either and tried to use it as an escape and excuse to not deal with my feelings. it's only been after my mom's death and a few mild interventions from friends that i've been able to realize that.

but last spring, my mom was given less than a year to live, and she died a few months ago.

so these two events in very short succession drained a lot out of me, whether i admitted it at the time or not. i don't think i had enough time to fully recover from one loss before another was at my door.

i have not been super active on here or really anywhere for some time, same goes with updating fic or writing at all. i would say for the past like 2ish years, i've written very little and have hardly updated anything i've started.

some of you know my dad died 2 years ago, almost 3 now.

the ghost of bitchmas present

THE LYRICS DON'T LIE