I need to be a 15-year-old singer and release an album called “Mom, can you chill?”

Instagram, don’t quickly serve me the stories of the person I hate watch. Make me search for it like the dirty little rat I am.

Bummer that there wasn't an episode titled "Long in the Bluth" where Tobias accidentally touches Gob's groin but doesn't realize that he really touched the sword of destiny.

Happy holidays. Every hot tub pic with more than 5 people in the hot tub is gross. Honestly 5 is gross. You know what? No more pictures.

My daughter keeps saying that this is Mr. Rogers. #mondaynightfootball #manningcast

THE FUCKING GALL TO CALL A 9 AM - 12 PM ACTIVITY A "CAMP"

Had chips, chili and a diet dr pepper for lunch and will spend the afternoon complaining to my wife that my body hurts because I'm not 19 anymore.

Can I please get a mute button on my car's steering wheel so I don't have to lie to my kids that Chappell Roan is asking to "funk you?"

Ok so maybe Mike Tyson couldn’t beat Jake Paul but I’d still like to see him punch out every teen e-bike rider in LA.

I only just realized last year that these t-shirts were about a tiny man having a big penis.

This guy had the opportunity to deliver the most devastating uppercut of Mike Tyson's career.

I know Trump is a problem but the "lose" vs. "loose" definition discussion is one we need to have, fellow libs.

My wife is NOT on board with my persona “Celeste” - a depressed woman in the French countryside who answers every phone call hoping it will help find her brother who disappeared a decade ago.
“Allo? Marcel?”
“Spencer goddamn it.”
“Allo?? My English not so good, eezyou Marcel?”