But I really wonder how many of the choices I've made to be single, not have a very active life outside of work and reading, etc are actually just coping mechanisms for the core problem of not actually knowing who I am.

I've talked with one friend about this, and I told her that I find it darkly funny that I didn't connect all these dots that I've been aware of until my late 40s. I haven't had a bad life by any means, I haven't been depressed, etc.

Oh, another thing: I've never explicitly thought of myself as a man. Hell, I refer to how I feel I need to act around cis straight men as cosplaying as a guy. Maybe I'm not a woman any more than I'm a man, but I think it's very possible that I am, in truth, a woman.

So I'm not gonna just treat this as a fetish or quirk or whatever. I want to figure out if I am actually an egg, if I'll make more sense to myself as a woman. I've made an appointment with a therapist specializing in gender identity, and I'm going to see where this takes me.

I had been thinking maybe this is a weird sexual identity thing - I'm a woman sexually but a man otherwise. Which could still be the case, but I don't think so. Seeing myself in the mirror, with no changes other than body shaper, dress, and heels, felt right, not just sexually so.

So I went online and started buying women's clothes. And a body shaper. Seeing myself in a dress with an actual waist, a first gesture in the direction of a woman's figure, made me _feel a lot of things_.

Then I started reading even more gender bender erotica and tried to watch porn imagining I was a woman, and well, huh, men are more attractive to me _if I think of myself as a woman_. Which is kinda fucking weird?

But my encounter last year with a man shook things up. I definitely felt more real than I ever had in a sexual situation before. But I don't feel like I'm gay - I'm just not visually attracted to men like I am to women.

Not that I've had pronounced gender dysphoria - I just feel like my body is an unavoidable fact of life that I do my best to ignore, if that makes any sense. Which, really, is how I've felt about sex with women: it's the default option given my body and assumed gender identity.

I didn't really think about this much over the years. I thought of myself as bi, but never acted on it until last year. I have always been much more visually attracted to women than men. But I've also never felt comfortable or natural in bed with a woman. I've never really felt at home In my body.

Immersion Therapy was the most personal experience I’ve ever had watching porn - I wrote you a whole dissertation on how it made me feel and think a year or so ago over on OF - so I can’t wait to discover what this film does to me!

So I lost track of you when I stopped using the Other Site Late last year, and missed this announcement. I’ve been active here on my non-sexy-times account, but now I’ve spun up my Leopold identity here too so I can make sure I don’t miss your next creation!