Mumps, said the doctor
Measles, said the nurse
TARIFFS, said the lady with the alligator purse

I’ve seen none of the nominated movies and if Isabella Rossellini doesn’t win the Oscar I’m turning evil

Imagine literally not knowing if you had stepped on your own dick

The political engagement I want is to say mean things about Susan Collins, win a pushcart prize for them, but hear nothing anyone else says about the state of That Country

Have started calling the United States “the fourteenth province”

I dreamed I got to hang out with Cher (like we spent a few hours together) and I was so excited in the dream that I’m exhausted today

I want Elizabeth Strout to explain to my boyfriend why I’m hard to deal with

One of my most recent unpopular opinions is all this “hur hur Elon’s the First Lady, they’re all sucking trump’s dick” is profoundly homophobic. They’re not just fascists, it’s worse: they’re gaaaaaaaaaaay

In my headcanon biblical exegesis, Legion spoke to Jesus in a Mae West voice. “Say there, big boy, how ‘bout you cast me into them swine over there?”

I think I’m so funny

I will never stop thinking xeroxing body parts is funny, the more cumbersome the better