My spiritual beliefs: Agnostic Christian Pantheist who practices Vipassana meditation.

Essentially, nothing exists without God's permission. Try to find the God in everything (tangible, intangible, knowingly unknown, and unknowingly unknown). Respect others' beliefs.

Faith isn't force nor fear.

11. There is a lot I am grateful for. I have compassion for everyone regardless of their age or the weight of their suffering. It's all relative.

I forgive & understand I will have to re-forgive.

My last vice to tackle: gluttony.

I love God. I love my neighbors as myself.

I renew my vow to God.

10. So instead of taking my own life, or checking-in for help, or losing myself in vices, or losing myself in anger & depression, I will take steps that'll bring me closer to helping others, whether success is guaranteed or not.

I guess it means more if I'm not comfortable. Existence is suffering.

9d. All my life, beginning as a child, I decided to live for the greater good regardless of my spiritual beliefs: whether I was a Believer or Agnostic or Atheist. I would 'renew my vows' as I aged.

I am taking this all of this as a sign from God that I shall continue to live for the greater good.

9c. All this happened while concurrently experiencing paranormal experiences (dreams/premonitions/deja vu/feeling ouija'd/etc.).

My nightmare started happening when I decided to try to "take a moral break" and live for hedonism and indulge my vices (anger/lust/vanity/ego). I never got to start.

9b. The fact that my #1 irrational fear (unconfirmed Truman Show, etc.) unfolded at the same time as I was deprived of the #1 thing I wanted and worked for (literally to live holistically healthy & carefree in my 30's and reach my full potential in my hometown near my family) is not lost on me.

9a. I have had slight paranormal experiences before and I dismissed them as either coincidence, unexplained science, or a small lesson/gift from God that I shouldn't let derail my focus nor feed my ego.

8. I don't have the truth nor real help to get me out of this situation. I have to come to terms that it's possible I have had 0% privacy for the last 8+ years. I have literally been forced to give up everything I wanted and worked for because of other people abusing me under plausible deniability.

7. What hurts the most is knowing this continues on every day when it doesn't have to. If enough people can't realize how appalling/unethical/unhealthy/evil this is then what is the point of living?

If people can't stop this minor wrong then how can we fix the major wrongs that plague our society?

6. All I want to know is the truth about my situation so I can make better decisions.

The tortuous ambiguity, non-consensual aspect, CPTSD-triggered hypervigilance, lack of attunement & empathy, & the preference of my abusers' desires over my needs, has all taken its toll on my holistic health.

5. In defending myself, in coping with this trauma for the past 8+ years, in having a midlife crisis & mental breakdown, in feeling isolated, in feeling hopeless in our political climate & our burning planet, in venting to close ones or thinking out loud to myself--people think I'm judging them.

4. I'm not enough for people who haven't had as much continuous trauma, stress, & neglect as I have; haven't been forced out of their comfort zone as I have; haven't had to delay gratification as I have; haven't been in the long-term mindset of compassion & choosing others over themselves as I have.

3. When my abusers do support my principles and spirituality, I'm sure they're using them against me: forgiveness, non-judgmentalness, "there are exceptions to anything & everything," "enjoy life," "none of us are perfect," "I give God permission to intervene in my life for any holy reason," etc.

2. My abusers & their supporters are saying & doing anything to support their sadistic behavior.

My abusers don't support neither my holistic health nor my spirituality.

My abusers don't support my principles (truth/humility/free will/help others/peace/"the ends don't justify the means"/etc.).