Sometimes i still long for my bedroom the way it was, the little tv, the colorful shelves, the clutter, the mess kept me safe, he couldn't sneak in if i had noisy things on the floor, nobody seems to understand how self destruction creates safety. I miss that tv though. Maybe i'll look for one

It's kinda amazing how a small (mostly) enclosed but well lit space can make someone feel so safe, i thought i'd be scared having a bunk bed again but this one's new this one's mine and the lights are wonderful and the fabric i close myself in with is soft

I suddenly miss my closet, it's always been a mess but it was once relatively clean, i would sit alone on the floor with the door closed and feel safe and secure, i miss it so bad

I'm supposed to move into his room so i can have more space i'm going to have to scrub that room from floor to ceiling and paint the walls and change it in every way possible

Now i hurt myself like he hurt me because it's all i know, i feel useless and unloveable if i can't perform, if i can't please, it's not fair, i didn't deserve it, i should've just been doing kid stuff, not that, never that

I hope one day his wife finds out what he did, she suffered from her step brother too, but I doubt she'd believe me, she'd never take my side, she thinks i'm the one who hurt him, he hurt me, i was to young to know any better, he knew better, he made me promise not to tell anyone, he knew

He's the reason i am the way i am, the reason i used to mimic the whores in gta, the reason i see no value in myself, it's all him him him, it's not fair, why does he get a loving partner and i can't let anyone in, it's not fair, i want to be loved despite my pain too

I get scared when i have to let him use my phone or computer, he's dug through my things before he'll do it again, he can't know my discord or my phone passcode he'll look he'll look he's so disgusting and i hate myself when i notice a character or person i like looks or acts similarly to him

Even now as he's married i don't feel safe he still comes in my room without knocking i still can't sleep at night unless he's gone or someone else is awake and i can't lock my door without someone freaking out how am i supposed to feel safe when i'm hurting so much

He left me alone because he got married but they're barely holding on what will happen if they split? Will he come for me again? Will i have to move and never tell him where i live? Never contact him again? All to try to feel safe but most likely always watching over my shoulder?

Emmie get on bluesky challenge