I always count fingers and toes in pictures and art now

Sometimes I’m a radish sometimes I’m a parsnip

I have this like instinctive animosity towards people named Rachel

I do not want to be a boy, but I do need to see the world from the perspective of the youngest brother who's significantly younger than the rest of his siblings, and was either an accident or (unsuccessful) marriage saving baby

Maybe u should start being an adult before healing ur inner child bc rn there's nothing inner abt that child

Rich kids will stub their toe and get on instagram crowdfunding to buy name brand ibuprofen and a “sweet treat”

Someone posted their ugly boyfriend. Night ruined.

Do you think tv remotes are scared of in between the couch cushions?

If I don’t text back, it’s because I’m having ceiling time, which is similar to floor time, but I turn into a bat and hang from the ceiling

Was there a giant explosion a couple blocks from my house, forcing me to evacuate bc of chemicals in the air? Yes. Was the worst part of the situation getting told I’m making waffles wrong at the free hotel breakfast? Absolutely.

Starting to think the universe doesn’t know the difference between jokes and manifestation…

Therapy session did not go as planned. Apparently I can’t watch ad to start over.

Why is tying your shoes so embarrassing? Like, ok, I’m just gonna be here for an hour wrestling to get my shoes on. Please don’t watch. I actually don’t know how to tie knots. This is so humiliating. Sorry. I’m just gonna leave. Sorry. Thanks for having me over! Bye!

When I’m in the home of a man, I will be inspecting every wall for fist and foot shaped holes

When I read the word “luncheon,” I see all the eeveelutions in a conference room with catering from a local deli

If you see bite marks on my phone case, just know it was me, not a cat

Pajama pants sliding up my legs in the middle of the night got me feeling like a founding father