even if this stuff was as "shallow" as being turned on feeling good and shitting feeling good and tasty food tasting good or baby clothes looking cute

i cant stand how people think there's something wrong with having fun in weird ways

and I dont know how those around me manage to deal with it all

it's like I came to terms with everything about myself or the world that i fear through exploring it in kink, and you wanna take this away because of some bullshit gut reaction or some horrible belief systems you subscribe to? like actually fucking get erased from ever having known who i was

I need to figure out how to train myself to think of it as literally like feeding the image of me as a scary monster or whatever. It's just all I can see is "you want to take what makes me happy and heals me so much away from me" and it doesn't work.

why ext1 became real in my brain i guess. sort of ms.frizzle-like personality. genuinely well-meaning, stoic flippantly throwing you into danger with intent of teaching. Just what I need to learn is how to love things about myself I'm afraid of. so it's tf into hyperfat hypermesser monster for me~♡

need evil computer to confine me in torture maze that detects all these insecurities and helps me accept them. forcing me to be a hyper-parody of all of them. i'd genuinely react horrified, even the happiest elements. but gradually accept & willingly engage in overeating->messing contests and stuff

a reclaim of things I LIKE but fear. i like being me & not pressured to be something else. but that means amplifying parts of me that I'm most afraid of and try to hide. from "edgy" accusations, to psych instability, incontinence & so afraid of being fat I dont eat food i love. those need to be loud

so when u frame diapers & Endless Chinese Buffet like horror. and gory snuff and torture with childlike playfulness. starts to align with how i view reality: ""challenge"" is fun! but *brutal overcompensation for your failure to uphold value of not-caring-what-others-think feeding machine whirrs on*

one half is i can't immerse myself in a scene unless im playing as feral/monster/edgy as I see myself, but also think it sort of represents HOW I view the subjects in question actually. Gore is inviting! but I'm legit afraid of getting fat or having to poop. much more afraid of ice cream than blood

I think as I've said before. contrast is a very important part. since i also really like a lot of much more default-assumed-horror kinks, but tend to be really excited about clashing childlike goofball, flippantly playful approaches to those. I actively don't want any harshness toned down, but

also ideally framed as ridiculously unfittingly overseriously dark. for this to be the maximal answer to "most esoteric kink". like this is blatantly a barely-audience-tested kids game made by a developer who mostly makes brooding grimdark games and they didnt bother to change their aesthetic much

werewolf in halloween Culver's game brainwashed by villain to helplessly eat nothing but excessive DarkCulver's so much that it soils diapers constantly. bloodshot eyes forced open to stare at mind-melting screen. self-aware it's code in a shovelware pc game & inner crisis about not being real~♡hnnf

has been healthy for me I'd say. I'm incredibly healed every time I do this stuff. but that satisfaction is not so far off from playing a game or sharing a meal. serves mutual joy & is just fun! release of casually bonding over taboo subjects also is a comforting release from an oppressive world

guess i forgot to respond to the first bit. my motivation is simply many kinks happen to be my favorite experiences. even when 0 libido I get a great deal out of self-challenge endurance tortures. jumping into headspaces of restrained animal or some crazy villain. reclaiming filth as positive. etc

like sure, you are both getting off to this. but when you remember that the activity isn't actually profoundly different from if you were doing a d&d campaign or something, that can be a good reference point. how /would/ a sfw fanfic writing sourced friendship go? apply equivalents to kink rp/etc

and I guess going from "ok yeah, conversations born from the activity of watching these videos on yt go like this in context of a friendship ---> what are the equivalent paths for the activity of restraining someone or RP'ing pooltoy tf?", like---an easy parallel there is a joy for worldbuilding

other things in this framework, there still may be parasociality but you realize the same thing could happen if what you were doing was commenting on someone's twitch stream chat or predicting Mario Sluggers

if you need shared activity to form initial bonds, that's fine, it IS a piece of the person

my way to deal with any of this has been to think of kinks, intimate interactions, etc. as simply being "interests". I'm happiest when the idea of even the "heaviest" bdsm or taboo sex is framed as simply...the same level as going out to watch a movie. a shared interest and not necesarily shallow

DEAD LEAVES IS FUCKING HOT good pick