There is an end to it; I know. I just don't know when, or how. Whether it'll be as soon as this shitty advent calendar is over, or if it'll linger.. I don't know. The worst part is not knowing.

I just really don't like me right now, and I genuinely can't see how anyone else could right now either.

It's just easier to meet the punchline before anyone else does.

I just wish it felt like I had anything to look forward to. None of my plans feel real. Nothing really does right now, besides feeling completely hollow. That feels way too fucking real.

I know how grating self depreciation is. I'm really sorry. I try to stop it before it happens, but it gets the better of me when I'm at my worst. I try to treat it as one of those "laughing at myself" things in the moment, where I feel it's just so obvious to everyone around me..

some good in the chaos

this isn't even being considered as a next year thing, but.. my options are fairly expansive, and I've already considered how to minimize my losses.. I think I can make it work. and even if it doesn't in what I consider the best projected way, I know the move will be amazing for me. so..

for as many hearts as you touched, a piece of you will remain within. until we are all dust.

projection an impossibility from that frail voice of yours.. but what stories you had to tell. what photo albums you kept; what joy you had; what pride in the life you created. what a life it was, from what I came to know.

getting belittled via a friend is kind of a wombo combo after agreeing to help solve problems yesterday for the person who had the message
like... whatever, man..

she's just the messenger but Man

yeah exactly

this one came in saying "oh good you're selling something that says CHRISTMAS on it it's MERRY CHRISTMAS not HAPPY HOLIDAYS and I mean if you're selling something with that... saudi on it, you HAVE to have a nativity scene for christmas"

thanks girl, me too... I think it'll be better once I'm actually there, because for the past couple weeks the anxiety has been hitting Bad and this week I've been more and more like "what if I just locked myself in my hotel room forever"

which I don't want to do! I know I don't. but brain mean

I'm looking forward to meeting you, too! I'm just very scared and very nervous and it's turning me into a banshee