De're trowin hoegies at Pateulloe's halce oever'n Mooerstaln

at this point it’s kind of a behavioral tic

They should make a sesame bagel that doesn’t leave so much evidence.

A roomful of my boomer aunts were complaining about microplastics and like, bitch if you don’t shut the fuck up right now.

Went to lunch with a friend and carried our three (3) plates to the table. Counter bois hooted and hollered, but besties, I’m 40 with bangs do you really think I’ve never worked service?

I am once again asking for a German word for the loaded pause after swiping right on someone you should have, but did not, match.

My toxic trait is having positive body dysmorphia where I think i look like cardi b, but also idk what if I do

I still can not believe how embarrassing it is to have to trot around the whole ass baseball field if you hit a home run to outer space. Unbearable. Like, sprint to get it over with or Paul Rudd wet hot American summer it because my god it’s mortifying? I cringe for these young men.

My automatic unfollow used to simply be any intimation someone is about to birth, but as i age, I find blocking “iykyk” guys saves me quite a lot of tortured eye rolls.

Why hasn’t this been ripped from the headlines? Area navy seal fallujah’d after beating orangutan on early reality show competition. IT WRITES ITSELF.

My general feelings on reunion shows are sad to weird, but night court adds in a rare but insatiable urge to find out if John laroquette needs a gofundme maybe.

I have no need to find a pun here, but I just had big time sudoku deja vous.

that’s cool but I think we’re all more interested in how people who aren’t stupid see it