i bought a hard cover journal today, something i could leave for my spouse. it's... it's fucking surreal lol the enormity of everything is really hitting today with the news that surgery isnt viable for me and i have to ride this out

he did say he was surprised at how well im doing at this point in my treatment. when pressed, he said there are edge cases where someone in my position lasts more than a few years

"ill try to be an edge case then", i said

"yes, exactly," he replied

oh no! we must console wall street!

obviously not the best possible outcome we were hoping for (continued shrinking) but this is still very good news. let's hope the surgeon has the confidence to get in there and rip the evil out!

the scar tissue thing is a positive in that if that's what it is that means the mass is smaller than it appears since parts of it are either dead or dying from the treatment. it shows up as *something* on the scan but it's not super clear what it is exactly

that's the worst

we got bad news for so long so this feels incredible

trust your good friends' judgment. you're better than you allow yourself to believe

being unable to break from societal expectations to the point that youre accusing the people helping you dispel it of deceit is just kinda sad really

nausea has finally decided to back the hell off now we're gamin

yeah cant avoid that one ive tried

ah shit what now