and thats the biggest thing ill be taking into my 30s. im done giving out energy without reciprocation.

the three people that came dont have this silly app so they wont see this but i appreciate them so incredibly much and they mean the world to me. im so so grateful for them and their generosity

of course there are some people that couldnt come for reasons i fully understand, im not upset about that. what im upset about is learning how many people just straight up dont care to make time for me, show up for me, or literally even respond to me

i know im not the perfect friend to everyone but it sucks feeling like i put in effort to stay connected to people that maybe dont wanna be connected anymore

its def just cause im extra sad rn but this makes me never want to bother trying to host something again lol (also if you follow me on here and you cancelled pls know this isnt about you)

it would be one thing if something suddenly came up but most of the people that have cancelled have known they werent coming but didnt bother saying anything until i sent out reminder texts (which i only sent out bc out of almost 20 people i had like 5 concrete answers!!)

its highkey so frustrating wanting nothing for my 30th bday besides a party and to see friends i havent seen or connected with in a long time, spending $1500 on an airbnb for the party, then having more than half the guest list cancel the week before

dom keeps trying to be helpful by asking what else i want to do and we can do whatever but like....all ive wanted is to celebrate with a bunch of friends

bums me out. ive def been struggling with growing up and growing apart from friends for years now but i thought it would eventually get easier