the stand-up routine i'll do in ten years will be mainly "am i the only one who does this" everyone will sigh and say "yes, we do that too" under their breath. everyone will get diagnosed then.

the need to always obey along my own set of rules. they are flexible but i am not always aware that some things are rules.

reminding people of what they said that one time 5 years ago

that time my mom told me i didn't HAVE to wear socks every time i wore shoes no matter the type. i said i didn't know that was an option. she replied something along the lines of "of course it's a thing, are you nuts"

this is good that i finally understand it all but wow. how can i sleep now. lol

i constantly downplay how i feel and take everything in and have the occasional meltdown (like sobbing uncontrollably for 5 minutes straight during/after most large gatherings/important events because i was overwhelmed). yeah, no, i won't get a diagnosis and i don't need to care about mental health

OH MY GOD i told my sister about my app idea and she said it would be perfect for the neurodivergent kids she works with, apparently i have thought of everything that could be a major obstacle for them. OH GEE I WONDER WHY.

i've been freelancing since 2016. i have never really managed to work during the daytime when i didn't have a good reason to (e.g. a relationship with someone with a good sleep schedule). i've just realized i'm not just a night owl, i'm way more easily distracted during the day - notifications, etc.

what i mean especially is this: i've always had the ability to hyperfocus and get completely absorbed into what i'm doing, blink, then i have traveled ten hours later in time. this means i'm really productive when i work - if i can get to work

obviously it's probably not the only reason it ended (we were 18 year olds moving in together just after high school after all), but i just kinda realized she was not in love with me anymore, i asked, she said she wasn't, it ended. she was bored of me and how could she not? she tried telling me

but it just makes so. much. sense. now. wtf. my relationship 10 years ago ending mostly because i was perfectly happy making rock band customs all day and not much else? yeaaaaahhhh...

and of course i can't be mad at my friends and family for not telling me. my parents especially are awesome and they've always been really accommodating to my sensory issues and neurodivergence without realizing it

okay sorry for the angry rant but i'm still coming to terms with it. hopefully it's funny to read

omg i'm so FUCKING MAD what the fuck why hasn't ANYONE insisted that i take a fucking test or just you know, LOOK INTO IT FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES AT AT TIME and do the aspie quiz for funsies and WHOOP DE DOO I GOT 140 OUT OF 240 THIS TIME LMAO

i met someone last year and most of our conversations are: "you do this too??", "people tell you this too???". it's a great feeling to finally find people to talk to without jumping through hoops to be understood more easily. he's easily become one of my favorite people but don't tell him that lol

really, every time i decided i couldn't possibly be on the spectrum was because "people have it way worse than i do."

8 years later, i still read stuff online and go "wait a minute… that sounds exactly like me" but haven't got that much further in understanding myself. my special interests were more important. i'm hopeful, though. i've grown a lot as a person over the last year, it can only get easier now.

I guess my take is also this: I'm generally not knowledgeable enough to act as an instructor (and it's not necessarily what I want to become) but I can talk about my personal experience and my way of approaching a problem, which can also be interesting