Mis being a kid and having to drag out the 10 pound dictionary to look up words people called me

Any other country getting the Pope would mean massive political power and maybe a grand uniting. Chicago gets one and we turn it into a reason to drink and talk shit. So proud of us

What if we convince Trump to go after his real estate competitors? 🫢

2035: Americans live on a kibble diet; bland and boring. A new market emerges selling “Toppers” which are flavored sprinkles and sauces to enhance the kibble. Americans now spend 34% of their day arguing on The Matrix about whether or not eating Toppers makes you gay.

They need an As Seen on TV store that’s just all the bullshit sold on instagram

Oh, me? I just run the last porno theater on this old space station. Spent my better days up here in zero G. Bet you’ve never seen what that much floating goo can do to ventilation systems. But I run a clean operation. No one has better aim in space than me. No one.

I hate that awkward moment when I’m making small talk with my neighbors and have to stop and confront them to ask if they’ve seen my anus (they have) and they get all defensive. Fucking weirdo neighbors

*in deep Batman voice*
I AM THE AUTISM SPECTRUM

I want to see the Gatorade factory where they milk all the gators 🐊🥤

British dudes are always like “gwa puppy cock innit”

So like what if the cervix made a *ping!!* sound like one of those carnival games?

Genie: So that’s your wish?

No no, we’re just spitballing. Talking like friends here.

We are entering the Super Nintendo Chalmers period of American history 🫡

Sometimes that dog in me is like “hoho, second dinner!”

If you go to the dentist and tell them you’ve been flossing regularly they’ll call you “good boy” and spit in your mouth