Killer Astrology (parody)
@killerastrology.bsky.social
Parody horoscopes and astrological satire.
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Weekly #Gemini: Something has been brewing inside of you for a long time, Gemini, and it will finally be ready to come out this week. Make sure you spend the holidays near a toilet. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 9:56 PM
Weekly #Gemini: Something has been brewing inside of you for a long time, Gemini, and it will finally be ready to come out this week. Make sure you spend the holidays near a toilet. #astrology
Weekly #Aries: Your feelings of loneliness this holiday season will soon abate when a large man unlawfully enters your home through your chimney and leaves plastic goods under your Ficus. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 9:45 PM
Weekly #Aries: Your feelings of loneliness this holiday season will soon abate when a large man unlawfully enters your home through your chimney and leaves plastic goods under your Ficus. #astrology
Weekly #Capricorn: You’ve always been a driven person, Capricorn, but this is about to change after you will soon be banned from Uber for ‘excessive chattiness.’ #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 9:33 PM
Weekly #Capricorn: You’ve always been a driven person, Capricorn, but this is about to change after you will soon be banned from Uber for ‘excessive chattiness.’ #astrology
Weekly #Scorpio: You’ve been feeling lately like the pain will never go away, but relax, Scorpio. The wounds will heal. I’m just saying they’ll heal a lot faster if you buy my trademarked magical creams. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Weekly #Scorpio: You’ve been feeling lately like the pain will never go away, but relax, Scorpio. The wounds will heal. I’m just saying they’ll heal a lot faster if you buy my trademarked magical creams. #astrology
Weekly #Libra: You will have to fish your phone out of the toilet multiple times this week. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 8:38 PM
Weekly #Libra: You will have to fish your phone out of the toilet multiple times this week. #astrology
Weekly #Leo: You’ve always been the kind of person to march to the beat of their own drum, Leo, but you will soon be outdone by someone who strides to the radish of their own saxophone. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 8:05 PM
Weekly #Leo: You’ve always been the kind of person to march to the beat of their own drum, Leo, but you will soon be outdone by someone who strides to the radish of their own saxophone. #astrology
Weekly #Virgo: You might have trouble finding the right words to express yourself this week, Virgo, so here are some that might help: peanut, diaphragm, orangutan, herbaceous, municipal, glockenspiel. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 7:45 PM
Weekly #Virgo: You might have trouble finding the right words to express yourself this week, Virgo, so here are some that might help: peanut, diaphragm, orangutan, herbaceous, municipal, glockenspiel. #astrology
Weekly #Sagittarius: It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. I don’t know what that means, Sagittarius, but those words were floating right in the middle of your constellation. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Weekly #Sagittarius: It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. I don’t know what that means, Sagittarius, but those words were floating right in the middle of your constellation. #astrology
Weekly #Taurus: Trying something new and exciting on Tuesday will lead to diarrhea on Wednesday. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 5:46 PM
Weekly #Taurus: Trying something new and exciting on Tuesday will lead to diarrhea on Wednesday. #astrology
Weekly #Pisces: You shouldn’t feel like you need to hide from the people who want to see you the most, Pisces, especially when those people are armed law enforcement officers and have a warrant for your arrest. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Weekly #Pisces: You shouldn’t feel like you need to hide from the people who want to see you the most, Pisces, especially when those people are armed law enforcement officers and have a warrant for your arrest. #astrology
Weekly #Aquarius: You will soon become intimately familiar with the smell of burnt hair. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Weekly #Aquarius: You will soon become intimately familiar with the smell of burnt hair. #astrology
Weekly #Cancer: Right now, someone close to you is working up the courage to tell you that you need to shower. #astrology
December 20, 2025 at 4:17 PM
Weekly #Cancer: Right now, someone close to you is working up the courage to tell you that you need to shower. #astrology
Weekly #Libra: You will be moved to tears by a breakfast cereal commercial on Wednesday. #astrology
December 14, 2025 at 12:20 AM
Weekly #Libra: You will be moved to tears by a breakfast cereal commercial on Wednesday. #astrology
Weekly #Taurus: Your constellation is installing updates and needs to restart before your horoscope can be displayed. Please keep the stars plugged in and charging during this process. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 11:50 PM
Weekly #Taurus: Your constellation is installing updates and needs to restart before your horoscope can be displayed. Please keep the stars plugged in and charging during this process. #astrology
Weekly #Virgo: Being the perfectionist you are, Virgo, you feel a need for everything to go just right, but you need to start accepting that at your age there simply is no such thing as a perfect bowel movement. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 11:26 PM
Weekly #Virgo: Being the perfectionist you are, Virgo, you feel a need for everything to go just right, but you need to start accepting that at your age there simply is no such thing as a perfect bowel movement. #astrology
Weekly #Pisces: Sometimes it’s okay to take your time making a decision, Pisces, but the light just turned green, so this is not one of those times. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 10:59 PM
Weekly #Pisces: Sometimes it’s okay to take your time making a decision, Pisces, but the light just turned green, so this is not one of those times. #astrology
Weekly #Leo: You’ve got a bumpy road ahead of you, Leo, but if you continue on a straight path and follow the signs in front of you, you’ll soon find yourself coasting downhill. That’s where you’ll find my dealer. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 10:14 PM
Weekly #Leo: You’ve got a bumpy road ahead of you, Leo, but if you continue on a straight path and follow the signs in front of you, you’ll soon find yourself coasting downhill. That’s where you’ll find my dealer. #astrology
Weekly #Capricorn: Now is the perfect time to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, Capricorn, because doing so will lead you to discover that you too need prescription insoles. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 9:33 PM
Weekly #Capricorn: Now is the perfect time to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, Capricorn, because doing so will lead you to discover that you too need prescription insoles. #astrology
Weekly #Cancer: An important plan seems to be going off in an unexpected direction. No wait... sorry, that says ‘an important plane,’ not an ‘important plan.’ You got on the wrong flight again. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 8:52 PM
Weekly #Cancer: An important plan seems to be going off in an unexpected direction. No wait... sorry, that says ‘an important plane,’ not an ‘important plan.’ You got on the wrong flight again. #astrology
Weekly #Gemini: You will soon make history as the first person to survive being attacked by a shark while being miles away from any major body of water. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 8:22 PM
Weekly #Gemini: You will soon make history as the first person to survive being attacked by a shark while being miles away from any major body of water. #astrology
Weekly #Sagittarius: You will spend a lot of time this week defending robber barons. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 6:47 PM
Weekly #Sagittarius: You will spend a lot of time this week defending robber barons. #astrology
Weekly #Aries: You will screw up twelve different grilled cheese sandwiches this week. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 6:06 PM
Weekly #Aries: You will screw up twelve different grilled cheese sandwiches this week. #astrology
Weekly #Scorpio: You will soon be inspired to find new ways to break the mold after finding lots of it in your walls this week. #astrology
December 13, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Weekly #Scorpio: You will soon be inspired to find new ways to break the mold after finding lots of it in your walls this week. #astrology
Weekly #Aquarius: It would behoove you to memorize a list of non-extradition countries this week. #astrology
December 6, 2025 at 11:26 PM
Weekly #Aquarius: It would behoove you to memorize a list of non-extradition countries this week. #astrology