im learning about the consequences of going bleh

i feel like hurting myself more. i thoufht cutting things off would help with that but they hwve just msde it worse
i am trying to be strong

its hard not to think about suicide when things feel the way they do. but i know theres people that still care about me
i have things to look forward to. i think thats whats saving me rigjt now
i just hsve to keep trying

i dont think im going to ever have somebody like that in my life ever again. maybe thats a good thing
i dont know. i want to believe she meant it when she said she didnt want to hurt me
how am i supposed to do that though
what did she thibk she was doing? i wont ever know

every time i look at my wounds all i can think of is her
when they scar over, itll just be her
im never going to escape this. i feel betrayed

i wasnt even the one to cut it off in the end. how could i let that happen?? it felt like she was just running. running away
didnt know how to own up to it. couldnt face me
im so angry

this week has felt eternal. somebody please get me off of this ride
its only going to get worse before it gets better. but it will get better
i feel like im going to throw up

i never even heard an apology. it was only ever through texts. not words
what does that mean? what does that say about somebody
i hate that she ruined this. i had never felt that way with somebody. i never had a corner like that and i need one so desperately. i wont ever find a replacement

i wanted to believe that things could be recovered
but when we talked after, i always felt sick. i felt a hatred towards her, i wanted to be mean. i didnt like talking. i wanted to stop
so why does this hurt now?? this is what i wanted. this is whats good for me

im hard wired to miss most the people that hurt me the wrst. no idea why that is. ive never been able to figure myself out
ive nevr felt this way befre. this felt diffrent, i didnt see any signs
maybe thats on me, and maybe they were always there
or mayb its my fault. is there just something abt me?

this is going to take so long

lost track of what the next step was supposed to be. its like im a deck of cards and ive been entirely reshuffled