this shit will take years if not decades to heal from

no matter the lessons and faults i learned, it still hurts. to be misunderstood and to feel like my perception was wrong, invalid, or didn't matter? to have the other person deflect and self-victimize? even when i over-explained and just wanted to be understood?

bro.

i gave my all. my time, efforts, even money to reciprocate someone's gifting which i never asked for, emotional labor, etc.

it all led to nothing.

erm. i've been feeling like i'm right where i'm meant to be, that it's a lesson, but it still fucking hurts. i replay the convo from time to time

so stop waiting. stop subtweeting. stop talking about me.

but don't worry, i'm still suffering, confused, wondering if i never deserved an explanation from anyone who cut me off without saying anything. don't worry. we'll both get over this.

it wasn't even about you wholly. it was so many things. but u took it as punishment and leaving u in the dark.

possibly u did the same or ur also going through your own struggles. but my ninong's passing, and u didn't even say a thing?

days after i deleted my letter, i still waited. nothing.

you probably didn't think i was worth an explanation. just like the ppl who ghosted u. or u probably didn't agree with my boundaries.

fair. but i'll defend myself even if u never get to see. the space that i asked for? i was drowning in pressure. i never meant to leave u in the dark.

i was always there for you when u needed a crutch. when u needed to complain about the littlest things. i tried my best to hear you out and possibly give u advice–or just carry the burden so you're not alone.

but i had to carry my own pain alone. i waited 11 days for your reply. i realized

rest in peace, Ninong. I’m sorry for not talking to you after high school. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I stopped reaching out. I miss you. I hope you’re happy and resting well. I’ll remember your voice, the way you would pat my head. I wish I could have seen you one last time.

he would make me laugh and make funny jokes, offer a listening ear and some advice—especially to things i can’t tell my step dad (crushes, etc. etc.)

I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I’m so sad. I wish I reached out more.