Sometimes I do feel bad for men.

My mom still uses Mapquest. Thought you should know.

[The ice maker clatters.]

5-year-old: “I’m USING it for something! DON’T WORRY.”

[Immediate worry]

Do men know we make fun of their fish pictures, and they don’t care?

Or do they still not know?

“I didn’t knock it over! GRAVITY did.”

This kid. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Sometimes I want to be a tidy person in a tidy house.

And then, at bedtime, I lie in bed and fling my hair tie off into the darkness.

And that is when I know I will never be a tidy person in a tidy house.

“Mama, I’m never going to lie to you ever again. Unless it’s funny.”

Unclear to me how I ended up getting subscribed to mail from Hermès. I bought my last coat at Costco. AT COSTCO.

Taught the kids about protesting, and now the 5-year-old is walking around the house shouting, “I AM MAD! I AM MAD!”

1) Same.

2) My work here is done. They’re ready.

My otherwise beloved husband doesn’t understand that it’s correct to emoji react to every unhinged piece of internet I send him. He reacts to maybe 10% of the internet I send him. Does he even like me? He obviously doesn’t like me, right?

“Kid, please stop yelling at me. You can tell me in your normal voice.”

“Yelling IS my normal voice.”

😐

My bff asked me, “Are you keeping up with the news, or do you, you know, care about your mental health?”

And I told her, “I think we both know the answer to that.”

So no, I am not doing okay. But I well informed, at least.

“Why is my hairbrush on your plate with your sandwich?”

“I was brushing the ham to try to make it look pretty. But it still looks like ham.”

1) Kids are disgusting. 2) This is also my political commentary for the day.

Trying to stay hydrated is the worst goal. I tried to give my body enough water, and now it wants to spend 10% of our life peeing. What the fuck.

“Mama, I love you more than anything in the whole world. Except zebras. I REALLY love zebras.”

Found the kid’s toys between the couch cushions. Looks like he’s a HUNGRY hungry hippo. 🫣