an insane experience in that j is jumping through mental hoops to justify this being something that benefits n. "but what do you want?" what j wants terrifies him.
and this is how we get to the "top me for practice" fic.

to be loved. to be number 1 in someone's heart (much like beryl). (the gn adaptation making the cupid scene about piper fails him in this regard.)
he's incapable of expressing his desires in a forthright manner if there's any risk. he's the avoidant type! so of course j and n hooking up is going to

so bridging the gap between "i don't want this kind of attention" and "i feel as though i have to put on a front and dissociate from situations, in doing so, i default to performing for an imaginary audience" is essential to me. he doesn't want attention, to be a figurehead for a movement. he wants