Three people at the table next to me are talking about last of us but one of them definitely thinks they’re talking about this is us and it’s crazy how long that’s going on without anyone realizing

Do you know how hard it is to study for exams when you’re fighting off the near-overwhelming urge to kill yourself? If I get through the next 2 weeks I might celebrate by killing myself

Stuff my neighbor Nancy said that randomly upsets me days/weeks/months later (pt 5): “‘My situationship told me he would’ve married me if he got me pregnant. Why the fuck wouldn’t he commit to me without that?”

Stuff my neighbor Nancy said that randomly upsets me days/weeks/months later (pt 4): “stuff just feels better when it has a logo from a big brand on it.”

Stuff my neighbor Nancy said that randomly upsets me days/weeks/months later (pt 3): “there’s no part of my personality that I didn’t get from TikTok”

Stuff my neighbor Nancy said that randomly upsets me days/weeks/months later (pt 2): “when I said I don’t drink I meant I don’t drink at home. I drink when I go out… socially.”

Stuff my neighbor Nancy said that randomly upsets me days/weeks/months later (pt 1): “did she get a c-section so she keeps [it tight down there]? I’m going to do that when I have kids”

“Ugh why is jinx exactly my type?”
Friend: “toxic is your type”

I’m getting my masters in engineering because my last gf’s mom hated that I only had an English degree. I’m discovering now that the only thing moms hate more than English majors is men in their late 30s who are still in school

If you’re ever wondering if you’re on scare tactics or if it’s really happening, just look to see if there’s a label on everyone’s water bottles

I’ve learned if you’re trying to do something horrible to someone and they’re trying to get away you can just shout “you’re on scare tactics!” And they’ll stop running