[store]
ME: [nose pressed against bottle of hand soap] I'm going to spend the next three months washing you down the sink
EMPLOYEE: [whispering to co-worker] Yeah I'm not sure it's a sex thing I just think he's lonely
ME: [nose pressed against bottle of hand soap] I'm going to spend the next three months washing you down the sink
EMPLOYEE: [whispering to co-worker] Yeah I'm not sure it's a sex thing I just think he's lonely
August 4, 2025 at 2:11 PM
[store]
ME: [nose pressed against bottle of hand soap] I'm going to spend the next three months washing you down the sink
EMPLOYEE: [whispering to co-worker] Yeah I'm not sure it's a sex thing I just think he's lonely
ME: [nose pressed against bottle of hand soap] I'm going to spend the next three months washing you down the sink
EMPLOYEE: [whispering to co-worker] Yeah I'm not sure it's a sex thing I just think he's lonely
I will not buy an electric car until, under acceleration, it makes the Flintstones skedaddle noise
April 12, 2025 at 8:10 AM
I will not buy an electric car until, under acceleration, it makes the Flintstones skedaddle noise
ME: Hello I would like to cancel my order if it's not too late
EMPLOYEE OF YACHTING SUPPLIES RETAILER: Sorry that sail has shipped
EMPLOYEE OF YACHTING SUPPLIES RETAILER: Sorry that sail has shipped
January 22, 2025 at 4:30 PM
ME: Hello I would like to cancel my order if it's not too late
EMPLOYEE OF YACHTING SUPPLIES RETAILER: Sorry that sail has shipped
EMPLOYEE OF YACHTING SUPPLIES RETAILER: Sorry that sail has shipped
As a detective, my most important clue-examining tool is the magnifying glass. Unless, of course, it's a sunny day and that clue is ants.
December 14, 2024 at 7:30 AM
As a detective, my most important clue-examining tool is the magnifying glass. Unless, of course, it's a sunny day and that clue is ants.
weight loss tip: drink from the false grail
December 12, 2024 at 10:33 PM
weight loss tip: drink from the false grail
BARBER: [holding up mirror to back of my head] Believe me now?
ME: [seeing that there is a little guy holding on back there] Oh yeah you're right there is
ME: [seeing that there is a little guy holding on back there] Oh yeah you're right there is
December 11, 2024 at 4:33 PM
BARBER: [holding up mirror to back of my head] Believe me now?
ME: [seeing that there is a little guy holding on back there] Oh yeah you're right there is
ME: [seeing that there is a little guy holding on back there] Oh yeah you're right there is
a Banksy can be something like King Arthur standing next to a toilet with a hand sticking out of it holding an iPhone and for your next birthday your mother will give it to you on a t-shirt while looking very pleased with herself
December 10, 2024 at 12:19 PM
a Banksy can be something like King Arthur standing next to a toilet with a hand sticking out of it holding an iPhone and for your next birthday your mother will give it to you on a t-shirt while looking very pleased with herself
i prefer the billionaires of my childhood who were mainly interested in using their money to go on various ill-fated balloon missions
December 9, 2024 at 3:49 PM
i prefer the billionaires of my childhood who were mainly interested in using their money to go on various ill-fated balloon missions
ME: [locks sword with pirate]
PIRATE: [grits teeth, nose almost touching mine]
ME: [pushes away, kicks him in chest]
PIRATE: [roars in anger, charges at me]
ME: [neatly sidesteps blade]
PIRATE: [does forward roll, comes up in crouch] Do the dishes
ME: [one foot resting heroically on barrel] Never
PIRATE: [grits teeth, nose almost touching mine]
ME: [pushes away, kicks him in chest]
PIRATE: [roars in anger, charges at me]
ME: [neatly sidesteps blade]
PIRATE: [does forward roll, comes up in crouch] Do the dishes
ME: [one foot resting heroically on barrel] Never
December 6, 2024 at 5:30 PM
ME: [locks sword with pirate]
PIRATE: [grits teeth, nose almost touching mine]
ME: [pushes away, kicks him in chest]
PIRATE: [roars in anger, charges at me]
ME: [neatly sidesteps blade]
PIRATE: [does forward roll, comes up in crouch] Do the dishes
ME: [one foot resting heroically on barrel] Never
PIRATE: [grits teeth, nose almost touching mine]
ME: [pushes away, kicks him in chest]
PIRATE: [roars in anger, charges at me]
ME: [neatly sidesteps blade]
PIRATE: [does forward roll, comes up in crouch] Do the dishes
ME: [one foot resting heroically on barrel] Never
BARBARIAN: [sitting on throne of skulls] This is so lumpy
December 5, 2024 at 6:52 PM
BARBARIAN: [sitting on throne of skulls] This is so lumpy
The property has three good-sized bedrooms, a kitchen-diner with built-in appliances, and to the rear an eldritch barrow that emits intangible waves of gutteral dread. Out front is off-street parking for two vehicles, including EV charging facilities.
December 5, 2024 at 7:22 AM
The property has three good-sized bedrooms, a kitchen-diner with built-in appliances, and to the rear an eldritch barrow that emits intangible waves of gutteral dread. Out front is off-street parking for two vehicles, including EV charging facilities.
WAITER: Welcome to the buffet
ME: You pronounced that wrong and where is all the food
[I am knocked off my feet by a strong gust of wind]
Ah I see
ME: You pronounced that wrong and where is all the food
[I am knocked off my feet by a strong gust of wind]
Ah I see
November 29, 2024 at 9:54 AM
WAITER: Welcome to the buffet
ME: You pronounced that wrong and where is all the food
[I am knocked off my feet by a strong gust of wind]
Ah I see
ME: You pronounced that wrong and where is all the food
[I am knocked off my feet by a strong gust of wind]
Ah I see
my fellow americans i address you from the oval office with a heavy heart in the wake of the atrocities we have witnessed in the last 24 hours but first a word from today's sponsor raid: shadow legends
November 28, 2024 at 2:30 PM
my fellow americans i address you from the oval office with a heavy heart in the wake of the atrocities we have witnessed in the last 24 hours but first a word from today's sponsor raid: shadow legends
*cranks penny through machine that flattens & embosses it with image of historic landmark*
Ready to talk yet tough guy?
Ready to talk yet tough guy?
November 28, 2024 at 12:55 PM
*cranks penny through machine that flattens & embosses it with image of historic landmark*
Ready to talk yet tough guy?
Ready to talk yet tough guy?
[hurtling through wormhole]
ME: Yes my time machine worked perfec-
[a clock smashes me in the face]
ME: [holding broken nose] Wad deh fugg
[a second clock hits, knocking me out]
[my unconscious body continues to plunge through time and space, pummelled by clocks]
ME: Yes my time machine worked perfec-
[a clock smashes me in the face]
ME: [holding broken nose] Wad deh fugg
[a second clock hits, knocking me out]
[my unconscious body continues to plunge through time and space, pummelled by clocks]
November 27, 2024 at 4:27 PM
[hurtling through wormhole]
ME: Yes my time machine worked perfec-
[a clock smashes me in the face]
ME: [holding broken nose] Wad deh fugg
[a second clock hits, knocking me out]
[my unconscious body continues to plunge through time and space, pummelled by clocks]
ME: Yes my time machine worked perfec-
[a clock smashes me in the face]
ME: [holding broken nose] Wad deh fugg
[a second clock hits, knocking me out]
[my unconscious body continues to plunge through time and space, pummelled by clocks]
ME: I'd like to return this phone it keeps making a rattling noise
SALESMAN: Sir that is a snake
ME: [entire head now very swollen] Farf narf
SALESMAN: Oh no is right
SALESMAN: Sir that is a snake
ME: [entire head now very swollen] Farf narf
SALESMAN: Oh no is right
November 26, 2024 at 10:19 PM
ME: I'd like to return this phone it keeps making a rattling noise
SALESMAN: Sir that is a snake
ME: [entire head now very swollen] Farf narf
SALESMAN: Oh no is right
SALESMAN: Sir that is a snake
ME: [entire head now very swollen] Farf narf
SALESMAN: Oh no is right
*strides into library, puts hands on hips and takes a big satisfied breath in through nostrils* i love borks
November 26, 2024 at 5:04 PM
*strides into library, puts hands on hips and takes a big satisfied breath in through nostrils* i love borks
TEACHER: [tapping test paper] As you can see, your son got the worst possible grade
ZORRO: Excelente
ZORRO: Excelente
November 26, 2024 at 9:28 AM
TEACHER: [tapping test paper] As you can see, your son got the worst possible grade
ZORRO: Excelente
ZORRO: Excelente
Sebastian Stan? No I'm more of a Flounder guy
November 26, 2024 at 8:06 AM
Sebastian Stan? No I'm more of a Flounder guy
ME: [karate chopping wildly at the night sky]
LEANN RIMES: What did I just tell you
LEANN RIMES: What did I just tell you
November 26, 2024 at 6:06 AM
ME: [karate chopping wildly at the night sky]
LEANN RIMES: What did I just tell you
LEANN RIMES: What did I just tell you
oh so it's a bad idea to keep all of my money in one bank account because it doesn't earn any interest? do you think a squirrel is thinking about interest when he buries an acorn in the dirt? no, he is thinking about going back to his drey and making love to his squirrel wife, who is smoking hot btw
November 20, 2024 at 1:32 PM
oh so it's a bad idea to keep all of my money in one bank account because it doesn't earn any interest? do you think a squirrel is thinking about interest when he buries an acorn in the dirt? no, he is thinking about going back to his drey and making love to his squirrel wife, who is smoking hot btw
pod me like one of your french beans
November 15, 2024 at 4:15 PM
pod me like one of your french beans
RAPPER: If you're a player make some noise
SPANISH BEACH: Siiiiiii
SPANISH BEACH: Siiiiiii
November 15, 2024 at 8:55 AM
RAPPER: If you're a player make some noise
SPANISH BEACH: Siiiiiii
SPANISH BEACH: Siiiiiii
KID: [eating bowl of Spaghetti-Os] Mmm delicious
ME: [eating bowl of Picass-Os] Mmm noses
ME: [eating bowl of Picass-Os] Mmm noses
November 14, 2024 at 5:04 PM
KID: [eating bowl of Spaghetti-Os] Mmm delicious
ME: [eating bowl of Picass-Os] Mmm noses
ME: [eating bowl of Picass-Os] Mmm noses
MECHANIC: Looks like you hit a pot hole and you're going to need a new wheel
ME: [loud excitement] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: No. And the impact also broke the suspension so you'll need a new spring
ME: [quiet hope] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: Again, no
ME: [loud excitement] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: No. And the impact also broke the suspension so you'll need a new spring
ME: [quiet hope] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: Again, no
November 13, 2024 at 1:25 PM
MECHANIC: Looks like you hit a pot hole and you're going to need a new wheel
ME: [loud excitement] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: No. And the impact also broke the suspension so you'll need a new spring
ME: [quiet hope] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: Again, no
ME: [loud excitement] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: No. And the impact also broke the suspension so you'll need a new spring
ME: [quiet hope] Of cheese?
MECHANIC: Again, no