Hello John. I have poisoned one thing in your fridge. Make your choice.

I want to play a game. Cat nip mouse or floppy fish. Make your choice.

I don’t plan any traps until after Christmas now because the malls are torture enough.

Hello John. I have turned off the power and puked somewhere between your bed and the bathroom. You can step on it on your way to the toilet or you can pee the bed. Make your choice.

Not what I meant. So hard to find good apprentices.

My assistant is testing a new claw trap.

Hello vet. You have stuck that thermometer in many pets’ bums. I have used it to stir your coffee.

John changed my food to a generic brand. I hid all his springs. Good luck with that reverse bear trap now, John.

Dear Kong tech support. I recently purchased your laser but it was not strong enough to cut through human flesh. Should I be using larger batteries?

Hello John. I have injected you with poison. The antidote is in the bag of cat treats. Open the bag and leave it on the floor… Where are you going? I did inject you with poison! John! Come back!