Either way I’m hoping by February I will be making some progress.. for the sake of my sanity hopefully. Definitely need to leave my goofy job to..ugggh

Wonder “Hey everybody can’t fit the cookie cutter mold that fits me/situation. I’ve thought long and hard about everything and people will only understand something until they are put through the wringer to have empathy( it shouldn’t take pain and heartache to empathy for others beside yourself.)3

this year for me is growing so that I can be stronger emotionally to connect with my dad hopefully. I feel like shit because of the situation but it’s hard. Like carrying a weighted vest with bricks of cement and people telling you suck it up cause they don’t have the emotional intelligence to 2/

As for Nugget I will always hold her memory deeply close. I plan on buying one of the memory portrait things that plays a small video and also making some stickers of her photo to put my water bottle etc. Going to be crying for awhile though I’ve made peace with that fact…

People say they care about how I feel but when I’m telling them hey I don’t want to do this or stop doing this to me “I’m to sensitive or you need to be a man”. My feelings matter and have always mattered I’m tired of pretending they don’t. I will get stronger for my sake definitely.

Overall I don’t think I will ever be over this. I’ve cried so many times since Tuesday and I have had to step out from of work to just let the water flow. The thing that hurts more is it’s always my feelings just be shoved to the side like they don’t matter at all.

Then the fact that my uncle was insisting to put her down to my grandmother and she gave in because the dog was having trouble with her bladder. Talking about”it’s just an animal” when he don’t have thing to his name but stupidity. I have never wanted to crash out on someone as much as now

I feel like I betrayed her in the end and she trusted me always. She was there for me when I was suicidal on the brink of just giving up on everything in my life . How do I show appreciation by watching her be in fear and slowly drift into unconsciousness? I feel like shit …