Sick how I can only afford a house in the states where stupid people make laws based on strongly held beliefs about fairy tales

Oh no there’s a storm coming. Better go panic shop for a weeks worth of food cause itll be mildly inconvenient to get to the grocery store for 12 hours

Could all these New Year’s resolutions please hurry up and abandon them so there’s space at my gym again?

Tbf the Patriots aren’t any more tragic than the cowboys have been in past years. People just acknowledge our ups and downs more

Do you think Taylor Swift ever lies awake at night wondering what may happen if she upsets her swifties?

How about no more political ads? Everyone gets $500 and website. No more spending billions to convince some midwestern mom that a bag of douche is better than a turd sandwich. Articulate your POV on the site and then stfu.

Did anyone else just feel triggered by that hubspot commercial?

How about if my bank won’t pick up the phone after an hour I don’t need to pay them my student loans? Clearly they don’t want the money that bad.

So no one ever did anything about Matt Gaetz (R- Senator who voted against sex trafficking laws and then promptly got exposed for sex trafficking). But yeah let’s worry about Hunter Biden… THIS is definitely the time to focus on gun control and not sex trafficking.

I hate this headline, because it dishonestly portrays the subject as having changed, when what really happened was reporters & editors went along with a heroic self-mythology rather than performing scrutiny and now realize what a mistake that was, w/o owning up to it.

See: Giuliani, Rudy.

Can we make everyone who denied climate change wear a button that says “I was wrong about climate change” …Cause I mean *gestures broadly at weather* if someone is that dumb we need to keep track of them for their own good

Liquid Death is literally just water?!? I thought it was an energy drink or something. What a ridiculously dramatic name. I’m going to put water in a capri sun pouch and call it “ELIXER OF THE SEX GODS OF ROCK AND ROLL” And get rich cause apparently people buy anything that sounds edgey

Can we just keep calling it Twitter to piss of Musky Boi?