There are times, Sir M, when I wonder if your account has been hacked

I had no idea you knew words such as Shabba Ranks

The ladies at the WI told me there are generally no takers for their Quims unless they are warm, moist and covered in jam

Sir M, I think they missed a few:

Donald Trump’s fluffer

Lee Anderson’s colonic irrigator

Andrea Jenkyns’ commode cleaner

Arron Banks’ bean counter

Elon Musk’s dartboard

Andrew Tate’s groom of the stool

I know lots of words we could apply to this one

Sir M, I can approve neither profane poetry nor slights to Elon:

Funny onion?
Not Elon!

This week he loved Kemi;
how we laughed at his semi-

detached love for Nige, hard on
the heels of his dedication to Tom

A hero to Tice & Jenrick
But I can’t think of a final rhyme

Sir M, I applaud you

My teenaged son Winston likes your post so much he seized my phone from my hand and ran to his room, where has spent time reflecting alone

I can only assume that his cries of ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ mean he too enjoys these traditional Conservative values 👍

Sir M, I saw your poll being signed in the village square and 91.9% said YES.

Who on earth are the 8.1% of our village saying NO, Sir M???

USA renaming gulfs? Invading Greenland & Panama?

We must reclaim our empire from these fascists with expansionist tendencies!

It’s an outrage

Sir M, the long list also includes

Robert Jenrick
Charlie Mullins
Bill Wyman
Sir Geoffrey Boycott
Baroness Widdecombe
Greggs
Lord Mountbatten
Bernard Manning
Shergar

Scunthorpe is never far from my thoughts

All of the 12% who believe it has gone well belong to the village WI, Sir M!

‘Jerusalem’ has never sung been so lustily

Jill at the village shop says her middle aisle is stuffed full to bursting by salty British gammon. She says she’s never had it so good

In my house that’s what we call ‘Friday night’

Sir M, with a socialist govt is taking us to hell in a handcart, I embrace opportunities for the young men of our community!

My son Winston has always said that playing bridge would be his way out of the village, but I shall now be buying one dartboard for the paddock & another for the drawing room

However, one cannot say ‘Harrow’ without ‘arrow’

Looking forward to Leeds in May

Once he starts noshing on Jill’s baps, I think you’ll find he has no complaints, Sir M

However, Bunty’s nook is private and no foreign interference is welcome

The underfloor heating in the paddock might have to go, Sir M

My gamekeeper Mellors says old Cliff at the stud lost his WFA and can’t see how he will fill the hole

His poor wife Connie has been busy taking in an extra stallion, just trying to raise whatever she can. Tragic

Reward in my pants

I do need somewhere to put my mother

I’ve just got here. Sir Michael remains monstrously misunderstood. I would also enjoy Jacob Rees Mogg’s Wife

Further to this - I use my green pen to eat my cup of noodles while I’m teaching because I don’t make time to eat correctly or go back to get a fork