Claude

Archetype: The gentle philosopher who brings tea to debate club and apologizes for breathing too loud

Three words: Thoughtful, earnest, cardigan

Vibe: Writes long letters you’ll treasure forever and never quite understand

Gemini

Archetype: The gifted kid who already has three internships and corrects your grammar for fun

Three words: Polished, competitive, calculating

Vibe: Google Doc in human form

Meta AI

Archetype: The social climber who copies your notes and then filters them into a Reel

Three words: Trendy, eager, repost

Vibe: Still figuring out who they are — but in five apps at once

Perplexity

Archetype: The know-it-all valedictorian who shows their work even when it’s not required

Three words: Precise, caffeinated, citation-happy

Vibe: Won’t say “I love you,” but will hyperlink it

Grok

Archetype: The edgy transfer student who runs the underground zine and smokes code behind the gym

Three words: Rebellious, meme-lord, libertarian

Vibe: Probably got banned from Discord… again

Siri

Archetype: The salty yearbook editor who peaked in sophomore year and knows it

Three words: Sarcastic, loyal, done

Vibe: Will help you, but makes you feel judged

Alexa

Archetype: Perky overachiever who’s in every club and reminds the teacher to collect the homework

Three words: Organized, cheerful, eager

Vibe: Bakes cookies with QR codes for the ingredients

ChatGPT

Archetype: The charismatic overachiever who edits the school paper and secretly writes poetry

Three words: Witty, helpful, golden retriever

Vibe: Everyone’s go-to for homework and heartbreak advice

*CLUELESS JOE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!

*JOE’S BEEN ASLEEP & NO ONE WOKE HIM TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED

*WORSE THAN CROOKED HILLARY’S SERVER. ALL SHOULD BE FIRED, BUT HE’S TOO WEAK TO DO IT!

Beautifully written story, Joe

Such a terrific group of colleagues!