I've been logging on for the free chest when I remember it exists. Otherwise I've been watching movies I've been meaning to catch up on

Love you frieeeend

But I had already wasted too much of that person's time, and hurt them with my deflecting and fear. They had already moved on and I was left with the stagnation I had chosen time and time again. I should have said the words in the back of your car, instead of the words you asked me to say.

I went on a trip I didn't want to go on, and all I could think about was how I'd much rather be spending my time with the person who made life move again. I realized just how much I was letting fear of being hurt that deeply again stop me from ever loving that deeply again.

Obstacles became dead ends, and I let a friendship in which neither of us were growing keep me from a relationship that could actually make me happy. I was choosing the comfort of stagnation over what I gaslit myself into thinking was inevitable heartbreak, and becoming that person I once hated.

I would accept all rejection in stride, and if I didn't feel romantically about someone, I'd be up front about it. But even when I did find myself falling for someone, I'd self sabotage. I saw my shortcomings as future dealbreakers.