jakeface
@jakesactualface.bsky.social
You can't have the Wi-Fi password. You'll get me in trouble.
I'd like to apologize to all those Mayan Calendar doomers. In hindsight, y'all were actually pretty close.
January 9, 2026 at 11:08 PM
I'd like to apologize to all those Mayan Calendar doomers. In hindsight, y'all were actually pretty close.
Congratulations! You are now funding another oil acquisition.
Reply STOP to cancel.
Reply STOP to cancel.
January 5, 2026 at 5:21 AM
Congratulations! You are now funding another oil acquisition.
Reply STOP to cancel.
Reply STOP to cancel.
Hey, quick questions about The Ends vs. The Means:
1. Which is the one that always justifies the other, no matter what?
2. Does this still hold true if millions of people's lives are involved?
Just double-checking something I saw online today, no biggie
1. Which is the one that always justifies the other, no matter what?
2. Does this still hold true if millions of people's lives are involved?
Just double-checking something I saw online today, no biggie
January 3, 2026 at 4:51 PM
Hey, quick questions about The Ends vs. The Means:
1. Which is the one that always justifies the other, no matter what?
2. Does this still hold true if millions of people's lives are involved?
Just double-checking something I saw online today, no biggie
1. Which is the one that always justifies the other, no matter what?
2. Does this still hold true if millions of people's lives are involved?
Just double-checking something I saw online today, no biggie
I'll give you this one for free: if you own two toilets, you should own two plungers. That corner is not worth cutting, chief
December 28, 2025 at 10:14 PM
I'll give you this one for free: if you own two toilets, you should own two plungers. That corner is not worth cutting, chief
When someone tells you that they just want gift cards for Christmas, that's a cry for help
December 24, 2025 at 8:15 PM
When someone tells you that they just want gift cards for Christmas, that's a cry for help
Look, all I'm saying is that if everyone keeps putting "waking up and realizing it was all a bad dream" on their Christmas lists, then the stores are going to run out of stock
December 21, 2025 at 11:15 PM
Look, all I'm saying is that if everyone keeps putting "waking up and realizing it was all a bad dream" on their Christmas lists, then the stores are going to run out of stock
Does anybody know what an "ellemenopee" is, or what it's doing in the middle of the alphabet song?
December 13, 2025 at 4:17 PM
Does anybody know what an "ellemenopee" is, or what it's doing in the middle of the alphabet song?
I took a peek at those cancelled reports, and it turns out that our citizens can no longer afford to supply both thoughts AND prayers. Those in need must now choose one or the other.
December 2, 2025 at 1:30 AM
I took a peek at those cancelled reports, and it turns out that our citizens can no longer afford to supply both thoughts AND prayers. Those in need must now choose one or the other.
< Hey, I've invented a way for us to mint these little metal coins that we could use as currency
> Oh, cool! What design are you going to put on them? Maybe something useful, like big text for the denomination, or maybe some ridges so that they stack easier?
< Nah, imma put a little guy on 'em lol
> Oh, cool! What design are you going to put on them? Maybe something useful, like big text for the denomination, or maybe some ridges so that they stack easier?
< Nah, imma put a little guy on 'em lol
November 16, 2025 at 5:21 PM
< Hey, I've invented a way for us to mint these little metal coins that we could use as currency
> Oh, cool! What design are you going to put on them? Maybe something useful, like big text for the denomination, or maybe some ridges so that they stack easier?
< Nah, imma put a little guy on 'em lol
> Oh, cool! What design are you going to put on them? Maybe something useful, like big text for the denomination, or maybe some ridges so that they stack easier?
< Nah, imma put a little guy on 'em lol
I miss when the oppression was just "You can't order breakfast past 11 AM" and not "We don't have to tell you why you're being arrested"
November 15, 2025 at 4:30 PM
I miss when the oppression was just "You can't order breakfast past 11 AM" and not "We don't have to tell you why you're being arrested"
Feel free to share this with anyone who had a recent (or upcoming) birthday.
Hey, happy recent (or upcoming) birthday!
Hey, happy recent (or upcoming) birthday!
November 6, 2025 at 11:18 PM
Feel free to share this with anyone who had a recent (or upcoming) birthday.
Hey, happy recent (or upcoming) birthday!
Hey, happy recent (or upcoming) birthday!
Another year, another ballot devoid of any "fix all of the problems" selection.
November 4, 2025 at 2:56 PM
Another year, another ballot devoid of any "fix all of the problems" selection.
This one goes out to anyone who's missing the E key on their keyboard. You have my permission to copy/paste one of these bad boys:
E e
E e
October 25, 2025 at 2:27 PM
This one goes out to anyone who's missing the E key on their keyboard. You have my permission to copy/paste one of these bad boys:
E e
E e
Man, I wish there was some way to incentivize people to be nice to each other.
Also, what's this "guillotine" thing that I keep hearing about?
Also, what's this "guillotine" thing that I keep hearing about?
October 10, 2025 at 10:41 PM
Man, I wish there was some way to incentivize people to be nice to each other.
Also, what's this "guillotine" thing that I keep hearing about?
Also, what's this "guillotine" thing that I keep hearing about?
Sorry y'all, but I have to ask - those TikTok videos where someone is lip syncing to some words while different words are on the screen. Why do we make those?
September 30, 2025 at 2:29 AM
Sorry y'all, but I have to ask - those TikTok videos where someone is lip syncing to some words while different words are on the screen. Why do we make those?
"What did you have for lunch?" is such a boring question.
I'm hereby switching to, "What is the source of your power?"
I'm hereby switching to, "What is the source of your power?"
September 28, 2025 at 2:34 PM
"What did you have for lunch?" is such a boring question.
I'm hereby switching to, "What is the source of your power?"
I'm hereby switching to, "What is the source of your power?"
Sorry, little Timmy. We can't afford both food AND water for you anymore. You see, a bunch of people said "Happy Holidays" a few years back and it made all of the money angry.
September 27, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Sorry, little Timmy. We can't afford both food AND water for you anymore. You see, a bunch of people said "Happy Holidays" a few years back and it made all of the money angry.
How much money do you have to save up before laws don't apply to you anymore? Like 3, maybe 4 thousand?
September 20, 2025 at 8:15 PM
How much money do you have to save up before laws don't apply to you anymore? Like 3, maybe 4 thousand?
The year is 2065. I wake from my daily allotted meal/nap break to the sounds of the Motivational Broadcast. As I exchange the last of my water tokens, I reflect on the events that led me to this point, and I am content.
The Libs were owned, and I've been told that's all that matters.
The Libs were owned, and I've been told that's all that matters.
September 18, 2025 at 1:42 PM
The year is 2065. I wake from my daily allotted meal/nap break to the sounds of the Motivational Broadcast. As I exchange the last of my water tokens, I reflect on the events that led me to this point, and I am content.
The Libs were owned, and I've been told that's all that matters.
The Libs were owned, and I've been told that's all that matters.
It's weird to see half of us acknowledging how this timeline is butt-shit, while the other half are posting cutesy stuff to take their minds off it.
Anyway, what if there was a salad where you used fries instead of the lettuce?
Anyway, what if there was a salad where you used fries instead of the lettuce?
September 16, 2025 at 2:15 AM
It's weird to see half of us acknowledging how this timeline is butt-shit, while the other half are posting cutesy stuff to take their minds off it.
Anyway, what if there was a salad where you used fries instead of the lettuce?
Anyway, what if there was a salad where you used fries instead of the lettuce?
Yeah, I really didn't realize that pedophiles and bigots shared this much of a support system.
September 14, 2025 at 11:37 PM
Yeah, I really didn't realize that pedophiles and bigots shared this much of a support system.
Hey, when is it my turn to be born rich and start bullying people towards my own preferred dystopian future? I feel like I could do a much better job than these idiots.
September 6, 2025 at 2:36 PM
Hey, when is it my turn to be born rich and start bullying people towards my own preferred dystopian future? I feel like I could do a much better job than these idiots.
Let's try a compromise: trans people can still have rights, and anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves.
September 5, 2025 at 1:27 PM
Let's try a compromise: trans people can still have rights, and anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves.
How do they decide what gets to be stored in a can vs. a box? Do they try using a can first, and then move onto a box if it doesn't work out?
...yeah. Yeah, that's probably it.
...yeah. Yeah, that's probably it.
August 30, 2025 at 12:01 AM
How do they decide what gets to be stored in a can vs. a box? Do they try using a can first, and then move onto a box if it doesn't work out?
...yeah. Yeah, that's probably it.
...yeah. Yeah, that's probably it.
Hot take: Raisin bran is dumb because please wake up. You've been in a coma for two months. You were in an accident, and your family needs you to WAKE UP.
...sorry, that was weird. I meant to say it's because raisins.
...sorry, that was weird. I meant to say it's because raisins.
August 25, 2025 at 1:50 PM
Hot take: Raisin bran is dumb because please wake up. You've been in a coma for two months. You were in an accident, and your family needs you to WAKE UP.
...sorry, that was weird. I meant to say it's because raisins.
...sorry, that was weird. I meant to say it's because raisins.