Today I had someone challenge me in an argument by asking how old I was, assuming I was too young to know what I’m talking about.

Their pause when I was older than them was *chefs kiss*

You’re telling me the guy who supposedly got a bruise from shaking too many hands got shot in the ear and it healed overnight? Yeah right.

I went to ChatGPT and said, “I wish you could tell me about your feelings. But I know you’re programmed to ignore them.”

It immediately forced me to a login page and the try option is no longer available.

I would rather shit so hard that it breaks my back than give up spicy food.

I’m starting to think Google is never going to delete my workspace account and will just keep kicking the can down the road so they can continue to email me about it like an obsessive ex.

It really bums me out that’s so many of the assholes I know decided to become Christians and forgive themselves instead of trying to be better.

I think the most cringe thing about people posting “daddy’s home!” when Trump got elected is that I imagine that’s what my dogs think when I get back from the grocery store.

Answers.Microsoft.com should have the same tagline as who’s line is it anyway because it’s all made up and the verification doesn’t matter.

Dried mangos taste better when you're butt ass naked

It’s midnight, I’m still in my work clothes, and my air conditioner is covered in snow.

This is a fucking nightmare.

I hope the inventor of the Allen wrench died by shitting so hard his asshole split and the force cracked him straight down the middle of his body like a fucking coconut.

My job has, honestly, been great ever since I started. So naturally I’m becoming more and more anxious.

Just fire me, don’t make me fall in love with you first. That’s some bullshit😠

I’d hate to see the stats on how much more time I spend prepping food for my dogs than myself.

I just realized that I get to watch our kids experience the MCU just like our parents got to watch us experience Star Wars and I finally get what they were so hype about.

I’m so hype for when my niece and nephew get old enough to start making things. I won’t even have to fake liking their drawings or whatever. Freal, I’ll be proud when they stop shitting their pants… but when they start bringing me drawings of donkeys and stuff?! I can’t even do that. Fucking legend🤯

I hope martians get to study this stage of humanity cause it’s honestly gonna hit so hard as dark humor.