fucking alive

Now we have to wait all night I just hope to God she dies soon

I know that sounds weird but I just don't want her to suffer

I've been waiting for her to die all fucking day and now it's too late to bring her to get euthanized and I just feel so awful for her

It's been a long time a long process like please just die baby

Her resilience is impressive as fuck because she's been on her death bed for hours and is still

saying to put her down and it's annoying. Like I can't just put her down if there's a chance she could live another year. It wouldn't feel right.

so that's promising.

Her URI is gone and good so that helps.

The mammary tumor is fortunately not growing anymore. It hasn't changed in size since a month. So that helps. It's not causing any major issue.

The bleeding is more threatening. Will have to do something about that.

My parents keep

ultrasound or an xray. And from there, usually surgery. Spaying.

Don't know how much it'd cost but I have care credit for this reason.

I just hope she'll make it through all this. I read someone who had a similar experience got the surgery done and their rat ended up living another entire year

uterine tumors as well. Ugh. They say it's better to get them fixed when they're younger so this doesn't happen when they're older.

My vet is closed Fri, Sat, Sun. I contacted them but no answer since they're closed. But I hope to get her seen as soon as possible.

They'd likely want to do an

That's really the cure is just to remember to try and have fun and not take everything so seriously

I'm like really bad at keeping relationships feeling good after a point, like once I start being honest about who I am shit goes downhill

I'm going to do my best to be a good boyfriend

Now that I was honest about that stuff now I can focus on being positive for a bit and just having fun

too but. I guess I just ended up leaving more people than I initially thought.

Anyway I don't really think I have anything more to say, I'm getting tired

because shit started getting too real. I felt like I was making things worse for them, or I felt like I wasn't allowed to be myself, or I'd had another personality on at the time and it fell off and the feelings for them did with it. I mean I've had relationships where people left me or rejected me

This folder I have of things people have sent me over the mail over the past 10+ years. I have things all the way back from when I was 13. And I realized that I'm the one that ended the relationship with MOST of them. A couple deserves it because they were abusive but some of them I left just

me a lot of struggle. Identity issues and attachment issues, those are the two things that tend to fuck up my relationships.

Not that mine is fucked up. But I worry the more my boyfriend gets to know me the worse he'll feel. About me, about himself, about us, about life.

I recently went through

understands that it still causes stress. How couldn't it? When he's used to me being soft and affectionate with him and this side of me suddenly refuses it. That'd trigger me and make me worried.

I feel bad. I feel like a bad boyfriend. I always feel like a bad boyfriend. My identity issues cause

He's a very cold and stoic and misanthropic type of person, and I just couldn't act in a way that went against his nature. I had to tell my boyfriend that he was more potent than usual and that he was influencing my behavior. My boyfriend was understanding, luckily. But I know that even if he

existence.

Okay but yeah I was with my boyfriend and I just couldn't be the person I usually am with him. That person was present but weaker than the dominant personality at the time. And the dominant personality (honestly in general he is the dominant personality) refused to allow sentinment.

But she can't diagnose me. Maybe I'll see someone about it some day to get a diagnosis. I probably should. It actually says in the paperwork when I was diagnosed with autism at 14 that I was living as a fictional character. Like I'd do it 24/7, I was pretty much method acting just to cope with my

how I got there. but I have some kind of dissociative disorder with alternate personalities. I'd say OSDD rather than DID. But who knows. I've never been assessed for it. My therapist refers to them as dissociative identities when we talk about it. dissociation is like my main coping mechanism.

always happen on fucking Sunday when only the emergency vet is open

Hoping she can last long enough to wait for Monday, I guess we'll see what happens

recommend putting her down. She has a tumor as well, on top of it, and it's getting bigger. They said they can't operate unless she's in good health -- which, yeah, obviously -- and she hasn't been.

Weeh

She has so many issues right now. I guess I'll just wait for the vet.

Why does this