In an unexpected twist of events, it appears Donald Trump has become the first female president as a result of her new policy defining gender identity. She’s still with us, but this is definitely a milestone!

Signs point to “Still with us.” We will continue to monitor the situation.

We wish a felicitous new year to all. It looks like he’s still here, so maybe not that lucky.

We apologize for the leave in absence, we were writing letters to Santa. It appears they went unread; our field reporters inform that Donald Trump is still alive.

Mitch McConnell fell down! A consolation prize of sorts; Donald Trump appears to still be with us.

President-elect Trump claims we are the only nation in the world with birthright citizenship and wishes to end it. This statement comes prehumously, so stay tuned.

Donald Trump claimed today that the US is the only country in the world with birthright citizenship and vows to end it. This is evidence both that he is living and that having a brain is not a prerequisite for doing so.

New York City’s newest celebrity has been unavailable for comment, so for the time being we report that Donald Trump appears to still be alive.

Even after getting a little snippy with Trudeau, we fear that Donald Trump continues on.

Still alive. Sorry everyone.

We regret to announce that as of November 18th, 2024, Donald J. Trump is still kicking.