I have things I enjoy, by myself, it's just so draining. and I've thought about leaving my friends for a while, but I can't bring myself to be alone.

I could be so set in life and instead I just blocked out all the trauma, my troubles with my work and the problems with my friends and family. I have clarity now, I stopped smoking again and I don't know for how long. The problems never went away, they just kept piling up.

I try to avoid letting my mind wander, but I'm unemployed now.

work is non existent and I love it. I hate working so much. I'm a bum and a rat. I haven't known struggling like how others have it so maybe getting kicked out to live in a house with 4 others and one bathroom is just what I need.

I can't say this to any one individual person. I know it's not anyone's responsibility to make sure I'm okay. but people only ask me if I'm okay as a joke now.

When I meet people who start reaching out, I find it scary, it's too different from what I'm used to. I'm afraid to say that, and when I do say it, some of keep reaching out, most of them avoid me altogether. I'm so used to giving.

And its not like that's stopped me before but it just feels lame like I can't make anything unless someone else makes it too

Cat!