Sorry my Bluesky is largely my circa 2002 Livejournal but here we are 🤷🏻♀️
December 18, 2025 at 2:16 AM
Sorry my Bluesky is largely my circa 2002 Livejournal but here we are 🤷🏻♀️
I’m just feeling lonely and sad in a way that I can’t shake. I wish I knew how to. But I’m functional so I’m doing better than last year, at least. It doesn’t always feel like it, but I am.
December 18, 2025 at 2:16 AM
I’m just feeling lonely and sad in a way that I can’t shake. I wish I knew how to. But I’m functional so I’m doing better than last year, at least. It doesn’t always feel like it, but I am.
Christmas is harder than usual this year for reasons that are entirely my own fault, and I hate that I’m having to live through the consequences of untreated or early-treatment trauma symptoms/responses but I know this year will probably be the hardest and things will get easier.
December 18, 2025 at 2:16 AM
Christmas is harder than usual this year for reasons that are entirely my own fault, and I hate that I’m having to live through the consequences of untreated or early-treatment trauma symptoms/responses but I know this year will probably be the hardest and things will get easier.
It’s not really a thought worth giving air; it’s just the best way I can think of to explain it. Just like all the anxiety and depression aren’t worth giving air, except they’re the reason I’ve only left the house once in the last 11 days. I feel weirdly paralyzed.
December 18, 2025 at 2:16 AM
It’s not really a thought worth giving air; it’s just the best way I can think of to explain it. Just like all the anxiety and depression aren’t worth giving air, except they’re the reason I’ve only left the house once in the last 11 days. I feel weirdly paralyzed.
I feel like a grotesque funhouse mirror version of my former self. Like if I was a person tabloids cared about, I’d be on the cover with “SHOCKING PICS! WHAT HAPPENED!?” and the pics are just me and my life.
December 18, 2025 at 2:16 AM
I feel like a grotesque funhouse mirror version of my former self. Like if I was a person tabloids cared about, I’d be on the cover with “SHOCKING PICS! WHAT HAPPENED!?” and the pics are just me and my life.
I’m actually feeling pretty good. Having some pain but nothing serious, just my wrists and that’s probably because I’ve been playing Trails in the Sky 1st on my switch during my downtime and I’m fragile these days.
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
I’m actually feeling pretty good. Having some pain but nothing serious, just my wrists and that’s probably because I’ve been playing Trails in the Sky 1st on my switch during my downtime and I’m fragile these days.
Anyway. I’m not out the door yet - in fact, I have an afternoon at the hotel ahead of me before transit to the airport at 7pm for an 11pm flight, during which I will sleep, so help me god. And then eight hours in Charles de Gaulle, but I booked the terminal hotel so I can shower and nap.
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
Anyway. I’m not out the door yet - in fact, I have an afternoon at the hotel ahead of me before transit to the airport at 7pm for an 11pm flight, during which I will sleep, so help me god. And then eight hours in Charles de Gaulle, but I booked the terminal hotel so I can shower and nap.
It’s sad, though, because I love the people in this project. We have such great partners who hold so much competence and expertise (often in stark contrast to the hot mess our organization pretends not to be).
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
It’s sad, though, because I love the people in this project. We have such great partners who hold so much competence and expertise (often in stark contrast to the hot mess our organization pretends not to be).
Which is why I’m applying for jobs now, knowing I’m in the best position I can be considering the shitty organizational context - they can’t do required things without me (or a very expensive consultant), but I can do whatever I want without them.
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
Which is why I’m applying for jobs now, knowing I’m in the best position I can be considering the shitty organizational context - they can’t do required things without me (or a very expensive consultant), but I can do whatever I want without them.
There were some tension points. My boss seems to always try to push things in ways that I find hard to handle. And I don’t love that my technical expertise doesn’t seem to be valued. Or maybe I don’t feel valued in general at all.
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
There were some tension points. My boss seems to always try to push things in ways that I find hard to handle. And I don’t love that my technical expertise doesn’t seem to be valued. Or maybe I don’t feel valued in general at all.
The work and pace was also different. I wasn’t needed for absolutely everything, so it was fine if I took 30 minutes or an hour once or twice a day except for the session I was actually running.
December 6, 2025 at 10:39 AM
The work and pace was also different. I wasn’t needed for absolutely everything, so it was fine if I took 30 minutes or an hour once or twice a day except for the session I was actually running.
Nah, knowing someone ELSE sees the crazy is actually super helpful because the self-gaslighting is real 😹
November 15, 2025 at 5:51 AM
Nah, knowing someone ELSE sees the crazy is actually super helpful because the self-gaslighting is real 😹
Anyway, I am exhausted, and maybe not even completely due to blood loss. But I think I'm over the worst of the distress around the situation, which is great because that was awful.
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
Anyway, I am exhausted, and maybe not even completely due to blood loss. But I think I'm over the worst of the distress around the situation, which is great because that was awful.
But being able to do my job with my team at least feels better, and it does feel like there's a way forward with my boss, which is really all I need with people.
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
But being able to do my job with my team at least feels better, and it does feel like there's a way forward with my boss, which is really all I need with people.
(If for no other reason than I specifically said, to her in this exact language, that I don't think it's fair or reasonable to ask me not to speak in group settings with no parameters on it, and asked for those parameters, and she just fucking talked around it without giving a solid answer.)
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
(If for no other reason than I specifically said, to her in this exact language, that I don't think it's fair or reasonable to ask me not to speak in group settings with no parameters on it, and asked for those parameters, and she just fucking talked around it without giving a solid answer.)
On the better side, I had a follow-up meeting with my boss and the union rep that went better. I am, in fact, allowed to express my opinion in our team meetings. He thinks the ED never meant for me not to do so in broader environments. I don't share his optimism.
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
On the better side, I had a follow-up meeting with my boss and the union rep that went better. I am, in fact, allowed to express my opinion in our team meetings. He thinks the ED never meant for me not to do so in broader environments. I don't share his optimism.
So anyway that meeting yesterday went great and wasn't humiliating and targeted at all.
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
So anyway that meeting yesterday went great and wasn't humiliating and targeted at all.
I do not have a mental health condition, like a substance use disorder, that would necessitate management anticipation of my needs because I can't understand them or know to ask to accommodation on my own. I'm VERY aware of my limitations.
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
I do not have a mental health condition, like a substance use disorder, that would necessitate management anticipation of my needs because I can't understand them or know to ask to accommodation on my own. I'm VERY aware of my limitations.
If they work, then I'll ask for formal, ongoing accommodations. If they don't, yes, I'll need to reassess whether I'm ready to travel. But in what world does my boss's boss - not even MY OWN supervisor - think it's appropriate to do so on my behalf?
November 14, 2025 at 8:51 PM
If they work, then I'll ask for formal, ongoing accommodations. If they don't, yes, I'll need to reassess whether I'm ready to travel. But in what world does my boss's boss - not even MY OWN supervisor - think it's appropriate to do so on my behalf?