whatever i need to say, i’m going to say it

my mom has always been an avid reader and she loves tv shows and movies (because she likes to escape her reality) so i think i’ll get her a barnes & noble giftcard and her favorite ice cream when i go visit tomorrow

flowers are cheap, but she hates those because they always die. she used to love plants, but with her hip issues and other body aches, she can’t tend to them like she used to

she often stresses about money a lot too…so even if i did get her something, it wouldn’t really make her happy anyways

i wish she’d answer the phone. i left a voicemail…but the last thing she said was she’s not worth it…that she doesn’t deserve anything on mother’s day

while i try to be perfect to prevent extra stress on my mom’s shoulders…i also have to be perfect or else my dad will outwardly berate, insult, and ridicule me

alcoholism…multiple baby moms…lack of empathy…stubbornness that borders on insanity…being super judgmental towards me…etc.

my father has some good qualities about him, but the bad parts outweigh the good

now, she didn’t get down on one knee or get her own ring, but there was no romantic event with a proposal. she just casually brought it up since were living together and found out she was pregnant. and it just came across like if my mom didn’t mention marriage, my dad wouldn’t have “proposed”

because my parents got married after my mom found out she was pregnant with me. and what’s worse…she proposed…

sometimes i wonder, if i was never born, or if she never got pregnant at all, would she have had the strength to leave him…was it me that solidified their relationship, as toxic as it is?

my mom has told me multiple times how she doesn’t believe in divorce…but to me that sounds ludicrous given her situation