Any filmmaker who leaves their sets and props up for a few extra days so a #Muppet version of the movie can be filmed should get a tax break.

I'm sure people in the day strongly objected to the Boston Tea Party, but history doesn't remember them at all.

Anyway, this post is about Tesla dealership fires.

I like using the last egg in the carton because now I can have a little funeral for the egg using the carton as a coffin.

"Your long journey is ova"

Interviewer: We're not certain you're a good fit.

Me: *slides some dopamine across the table* How about now?

Jesus paid for my sins, so...now I'm expected to pay for the sins in the car behind me?

Boxing referees are like "you punched each other enough let's hold hands" and I think that's sweet.

Guard 1: One of us always tells the truth.
Guard 2: Actually we both always tell the truth.
Guard 1: ...ok it doesn't work if you do that.
Guard 2: it works just fine.
Guard 1: But they need the rules of the puzzle.
Guard 2: *laughs* there's no puzzle.

My phone doesn't even try to autocorrect when I type "Burger kink". It's like nah that's probably what he meant.

Doctor says "treatment is simple. Horny sluts are in your area."

Man bursts into tears. Says "but doctor, I *am* horny sluts!"

Once I went cherry picking and I only picked the best cherries and they accused me of cherry picking and I said yeah.

Guy at the supermarket was wearing a spooky shirt and I said "spooky shirt" and he seemed to get upset. My guy, why would you wear a spooky shirt to the supermarket if you didn't want people to say spooky shirt and tickle you?