I’m definitely going to need more fiber in my diet

My dumb lil baby son doesn’t even know how to turn his swag on. What a chump.

I still hold the record for “the poorest person to eat tomato bisque “

Once you’ve had to mop floors, you feel differently about walking on someone else’s freshly mopped floor.

My new diet is kinda weird. I get to eat whatever I want but once a week I have to eat a whole monkey.

Do you think there is a plant MORE associated with sexual assault than the mistletoe?

“Damn, daddy got the farts today” -man at Hardee’s