Time to try and sleep finally I guess and spend the next day attempting to move accounts over to a new email.....
Scuffed ASF rant stream incoming later this week. I'm just so done

Just hoping that this thread is able to help someone else.

You should absolutely have 2fa on your accounts, I just didn't have it prior to the hacker. I put it in while he was busy trying to steal my discord so he didn't get time to do any damage. Proof like screenshots doesn't matter either.

I've spent the last 24 hours (with no sleep) with Microsoft support via email, live chat, and twitter DMS only to be told

a) everything is automated and they cannot override anything

b) the online form is the only way to escalate

c) if that doesn't work here's a link for a new account

adding 2fa to your account makes them unable to help you.
Additionally, I learned that if your PC is connected to your main account and it's compromised/locked they'll potentially lock you out of your PC too. So keep a separate account, all those nice things about recovery don't actually exist