To my friend Big Balls. Rest now, brother. We have the watch. And I'll see you at Valhalla

Oh wow, the new Android update just dropped. The last one replaced the comma on my keyboard with the question mark and now I'm fighting for my life in my text messages from sounding wildly antagonistic.

What's crazy about 70's R&B is that everybody says that we need to go back to that level of love and admiration for each other but them dudes had a whole other family around the corner from your home.
You would meet them during funerals and it was super weird.

Women don't actually like coffee. It's just that their hands are inexplicably cold beyond all means of reason or explanation

My fat ass when the mashed potatoes are ready