Me, 36 weeks pregnant when anyone asks me how I’m feeling:

My cervix is thinning and so is my patience

My New Year’s resolutions include both being a bigger hater, and also minding my own business. Still working out the logistics

USA USA USA

that’s what you get for booing, bitches

The “decline with no response” is my favorite Outlook function

#chiefs going to the #SuperBowl (again 🙄) got me thinking about the time Harrison Butker (or Buttkiss, as I like to call him) went into Georgia Tech and said this to a crowd of hardworking women graduating with their degrees

I live in a world where I’m forced to begrudgingly root for the Eagles.

This is Dante’s 7th circle of hell.

Just know that if I send you a thumbs up emoji, what I really mean is “fuck you”

My management and communication style is different than yours, but not wrong. The results are still the same outcome.

The wallpaper on my dad’s phone has been a photo of *my* cat for the last 5 years. Not him and my mom, not his children, but my cat. His grandkitty 🤣

Went for my ultrasound today. I get there and this old lady working the information desk takes my info and then just says “well I don’t know where you should be”

But…you work at the information desk?? Idc if you’re old, if you’re inefficient at your job, you shouldn’t have one ??

“When are you gonna get married?”

Me, a 30 year old: I am too young to get married

*fighting the big D*

(depression)

If I was a 78 year old man, I’d simply retire

I ain’t gonna argue with anyone anymore. You can just be wrong, idgaf

These pregnancy hormones got me crying like a baby sporadically about my dog that died two years ago 😭

Good Charlotte needs to re-record “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous” to incorporate a verse about being a convicted felon yet still be the POTUS