History For Morons
@historyformorons.bsky.social
Let's be honest, you know practically nothing about history and are WAY too lazy to read a book. This resource will teach you a somewhat accurate account of historic events, and give you just enough information to win that argument with the other imbeciles
Mar 17: On This Day In 1932: German police raid Adolf Hitler's Nazi HQ, as part of a campaign to prevent the Far Right fascist political party from illegally seizing power. Many Top Secret and Classified documents are found in Hitler's bathroom, and next to a fax machine.
March 17, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Mar 17: On This Day In 1932: German police raid Adolf Hitler's Nazi HQ, as part of a campaign to prevent the Far Right fascist political party from illegally seizing power. Many Top Secret and Classified documents are found in Hitler's bathroom, and next to a fax machine.
Feb 24: On This Day in 2025: With war looming in Europe, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin sign a secret pact which will partition Ukraine and its resources between the United States and Russia.
February 24, 2025 at 10:32 PM
Feb 24: On This Day in 2025: With war looming in Europe, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin sign a secret pact which will partition Ukraine and its resources between the United States and Russia.
To be fair, the rest of the US is now in the mid 30s, so the 70s are some magical, fantastical future for yer average American schmoe.
February 21, 2025 at 7:28 PM
To be fair, the rest of the US is now in the mid 30s, so the 70s are some magical, fantastical future for yer average American schmoe.
Feb 20: On This Day in 1873: British Naval Officer John Moresby is the first European to discover Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, and claims it for the United Kingdom.
The odds of this happening must be astronomical, surely?
"Guys! You'll never believe the name of this place!"
The odds of this happening must be astronomical, surely?
"Guys! You'll never believe the name of this place!"
February 20, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Feb 20: On This Day in 1873: British Naval Officer John Moresby is the first European to discover Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, and claims it for the United Kingdom.
The odds of this happening must be astronomical, surely?
"Guys! You'll never believe the name of this place!"
The odds of this happening must be astronomical, surely?
"Guys! You'll never believe the name of this place!"
Feb 14: On This Day in 2013: Oscar Pistorius, upon waking to find his girlfriend, Reeva, not in bed, and someone in the bathroom, naturally assumes the person in the bathroom must be an intruder.
No way it could be Reeva.
He grabs his gun and starts blasting, killing her.
Whoopsie.
No way it could be Reeva.
He grabs his gun and starts blasting, killing her.
Whoopsie.
February 14, 2025 at 9:25 PM
Feb 14: On This Day in 2013: Oscar Pistorius, upon waking to find his girlfriend, Reeva, not in bed, and someone in the bathroom, naturally assumes the person in the bathroom must be an intruder.
No way it could be Reeva.
He grabs his gun and starts blasting, killing her.
Whoopsie.
No way it could be Reeva.
He grabs his gun and starts blasting, killing her.
Whoopsie.
If History tells us one thing, it's that the reign of a God King never ends well.
February 4, 2025 at 6:42 PM
If History tells us one thing, it's that the reign of a God King never ends well.
This is the true story behind the name of the spiked tail on the Stegosaurus.
February 4, 2025 at 2:58 PM
This is the true story behind the name of the spiked tail on the Stegosaurus.
Jan 30: On This Day in 1661: Two years after his death, Oliver Cromwell is dug up and tried for treason by the son of King Charles I. Cromwell had led the revolt that saw Charles I executed.
Cromwell refuses to defend himself and is found guilty.
His corpse is then executed.
Twice.
Mental.
Cromwell refuses to defend himself and is found guilty.
His corpse is then executed.
Twice.
Mental.
January 30, 2025 at 6:37 PM
Jan 30: On This Day in 1661: Two years after his death, Oliver Cromwell is dug up and tried for treason by the son of King Charles I. Cromwell had led the revolt that saw Charles I executed.
Cromwell refuses to defend himself and is found guilty.
His corpse is then executed.
Twice.
Mental.
Cromwell refuses to defend himself and is found guilty.
His corpse is then executed.
Twice.
Mental.
Jan 29: On This Day in 1905: Tsar Nicolas II implements 'some' reforms in response to growing unrest over working conditions.
13 years later, Nicolas and his family will be shot to death on the orders of the Ural Soviet of Workers.
Maybe he'll take his job a little more seriously next time.
13 years later, Nicolas and his family will be shot to death on the orders of the Ural Soviet of Workers.
Maybe he'll take his job a little more seriously next time.
January 29, 2025 at 11:57 PM
Jan 29: On This Day in 1905: Tsar Nicolas II implements 'some' reforms in response to growing unrest over working conditions.
13 years later, Nicolas and his family will be shot to death on the orders of the Ural Soviet of Workers.
Maybe he'll take his job a little more seriously next time.
13 years later, Nicolas and his family will be shot to death on the orders of the Ural Soviet of Workers.
Maybe he'll take his job a little more seriously next time.
Jan 28: On This Day in 1521: Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V, calls for a Diet of Worms. Martin Luther is invited to this Diet to respond to Pope Leo X's Papal Bull. Eventually, Charles issues the Edict of Worms, and declares Luther a heretic.
Sometimes history is completely incomprehensible.
Sometimes history is completely incomprehensible.
January 28, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Jan 28: On This Day in 1521: Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V, calls for a Diet of Worms. Martin Luther is invited to this Diet to respond to Pope Leo X's Papal Bull. Eventually, Charles issues the Edict of Worms, and declares Luther a heretic.
Sometimes history is completely incomprehensible.
Sometimes history is completely incomprehensible.
Jan 27: On This Day in 1591: Scottish Schoolmaster, John Fian, is executed as a sorcerer. Allegedly capable of "bewitching cows", he is tortured with the cuddly sounding 'pilliwinks', has his nails extracted, is strangled, then lit on fire.
Cow-bewitching is taken very seriously in Scotland.
Cow-bewitching is taken very seriously in Scotland.
January 27, 2025 at 9:16 PM
Jan 27: On This Day in 1591: Scottish Schoolmaster, John Fian, is executed as a sorcerer. Allegedly capable of "bewitching cows", he is tortured with the cuddly sounding 'pilliwinks', has his nails extracted, is strangled, then lit on fire.
Cow-bewitching is taken very seriously in Scotland.
Cow-bewitching is taken very seriously in Scotland.
Jan 17: On This Day in 1976: Barry Manilow reaches Number 1 with "I Write The Songs"... a song he did not write.
Should anyone be interested in pursuing this;
15 U.S. Code § 54 - False advertisements: The federal Lanham Act allows civil lawsuits for false advertising.
Should anyone be interested in pursuing this;
15 U.S. Code § 54 - False advertisements: The federal Lanham Act allows civil lawsuits for false advertising.
January 17, 2025 at 8:48 PM
Jan 17: On This Day in 1976: Barry Manilow reaches Number 1 with "I Write The Songs"... a song he did not write.
Should anyone be interested in pursuing this;
15 U.S. Code § 54 - False advertisements: The federal Lanham Act allows civil lawsuits for false advertising.
Should anyone be interested in pursuing this;
15 U.S. Code § 54 - False advertisements: The federal Lanham Act allows civil lawsuits for false advertising.
Jan 16: On This Day in 1945: In an attempt to avoid the foreigners flooding into Berlin, Adolf Hitler moves to his new residence, the Fuhrerbunker. Conveniently located close to his work at the Reich Chancellery, Hitler can now walk to work in the morning.
Well, until April, at least.
Well, until April, at least.
January 16, 2025 at 8:40 PM
Jan 16: On This Day in 1945: In an attempt to avoid the foreigners flooding into Berlin, Adolf Hitler moves to his new residence, the Fuhrerbunker. Conveniently located close to his work at the Reich Chancellery, Hitler can now walk to work in the morning.
Well, until April, at least.
Well, until April, at least.
Jan 14: On This Day in 1641: The Dutch East India Company attacks and takes control of the Portugese-owned Malaysian city and state of Malacca in order to control the Spice Trade.
For context, this is like Pfizer invading Florida to monopolize the supply of dementia meds.
For context, this is like Pfizer invading Florida to monopolize the supply of dementia meds.
January 14, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Jan 14: On This Day in 1641: The Dutch East India Company attacks and takes control of the Portugese-owned Malaysian city and state of Malacca in order to control the Spice Trade.
For context, this is like Pfizer invading Florida to monopolize the supply of dementia meds.
For context, this is like Pfizer invading Florida to monopolize the supply of dementia meds.
13 Dec: On this Day in 1992: Popular schizo, psycho, sex offender, necrophiliac, cannibal, serial killer, and body-parts collector, Jeffrey Dahmer, pleads guilty but insane at trial.
He is, however, found to be legally sane.
What the fuck do you have to do to qualify as crazy in America?
He is, however, found to be legally sane.
What the fuck do you have to do to qualify as crazy in America?
January 13, 2025 at 9:27 PM
13 Dec: On this Day in 1992: Popular schizo, psycho, sex offender, necrophiliac, cannibal, serial killer, and body-parts collector, Jeffrey Dahmer, pleads guilty but insane at trial.
He is, however, found to be legally sane.
What the fuck do you have to do to qualify as crazy in America?
He is, however, found to be legally sane.
What the fuck do you have to do to qualify as crazy in America?
Jan 12: On This Day in 1928: Ruth Snyder is executed for the murder of her husband, Albert. Despite the mitigating circumstances of Albert being an abusive dick, Ruth and her co-conspirator lover, Judd Gray, are found guilty and sentenced to death.
The Daily News seemed weirdly enthusiastic.
The Daily News seemed weirdly enthusiastic.
January 12, 2025 at 10:14 PM
Jan 12: On This Day in 1928: Ruth Snyder is executed for the murder of her husband, Albert. Despite the mitigating circumstances of Albert being an abusive dick, Ruth and her co-conspirator lover, Judd Gray, are found guilty and sentenced to death.
The Daily News seemed weirdly enthusiastic.
The Daily News seemed weirdly enthusiastic.
Jan 10: On This Day in 2025: Donald Trump becomes the first president (elect) of the United States to be a convicted and sentenced felon, on 34 separate counts, and an adjudicated rapist.
January 10, 2025 at 7:11 PM
Jan 10: On This Day in 2025: Donald Trump becomes the first president (elect) of the United States to be a convicted and sentenced felon, on 34 separate counts, and an adjudicated rapist.
Jan 8: On This Day in 1992: American President, George H W Bush, throws up on Japanese Prime Minister, Kiichi Miyazawa, then passes out, falling head first onto Miyazawa's vomit-pants.
Despite this, he will still only be the second most embarrassing President Bush in history.
Despite this, he will still only be the second most embarrassing President Bush in history.
January 8, 2025 at 5:26 PM
Jan 8: On This Day in 1992: American President, George H W Bush, throws up on Japanese Prime Minister, Kiichi Miyazawa, then passes out, falling head first onto Miyazawa's vomit-pants.
Despite this, he will still only be the second most embarrassing President Bush in history.
Despite this, he will still only be the second most embarrassing President Bush in history.
Jan 7: On This Day in 1954: Holocaust-complicit American Corporation, IBM, presents the first public demonstration of a machine translation system at its New York Headquarters.
More importantly, though, let's remember that IBM teamed up with the Nazis to exterminate the Jews.
More importantly, though, let's remember that IBM teamed up with the Nazis to exterminate the Jews.
January 8, 2025 at 5:17 PM
Jan 7: On This Day in 1954: Holocaust-complicit American Corporation, IBM, presents the first public demonstration of a machine translation system at its New York Headquarters.
More importantly, though, let's remember that IBM teamed up with the Nazis to exterminate the Jews.
More importantly, though, let's remember that IBM teamed up with the Nazis to exterminate the Jews.
Dec 31: On This Day in 192: Roman Emperor Commodus is assassinated in his bath, strangled by his wrestling companion, Narcissus.
A stupendously mad dictator, Commodus was known to personally kill lions in the arena, and renamed Rome and the months of the year after himself.
Absolute fruitloop.
A stupendously mad dictator, Commodus was known to personally kill lions in the arena, and renamed Rome and the months of the year after himself.
Absolute fruitloop.
December 31, 2024 at 11:16 PM
Dec 31: On This Day in 192: Roman Emperor Commodus is assassinated in his bath, strangled by his wrestling companion, Narcissus.
A stupendously mad dictator, Commodus was known to personally kill lions in the arena, and renamed Rome and the months of the year after himself.
Absolute fruitloop.
A stupendously mad dictator, Commodus was known to personally kill lions in the arena, and renamed Rome and the months of the year after himself.
Absolute fruitloop.
Dec 30: On This Day in 1987: Robert Mugabe is elected President of Zimbabwe. Bobby decides to run the country as supreme dictator, and does exactly as you might expect.
That's right. Torture, human rights abuses, and genocide.
Because that's what dictators do.
Even the ones you voted for.
That's right. Torture, human rights abuses, and genocide.
Because that's what dictators do.
Even the ones you voted for.
December 31, 2024 at 3:43 AM
Dec 30: On This Day in 1987: Robert Mugabe is elected President of Zimbabwe. Bobby decides to run the country as supreme dictator, and does exactly as you might expect.
That's right. Torture, human rights abuses, and genocide.
Because that's what dictators do.
Even the ones you voted for.
That's right. Torture, human rights abuses, and genocide.
Because that's what dictators do.
Even the ones you voted for.
Dec 29: On This Day in 1835: The US Government signs a fair and equitable treaty with a rogue branch of the Cherokee, granting all Cherokee territory east of the Mississippi to the United States, and in return forces the Cherokee to get the hell off what is now US land.
Fairest. Deal. Ever.
Fairest. Deal. Ever.
December 29, 2024 at 4:57 PM
Dec 29: On This Day in 1835: The US Government signs a fair and equitable treaty with a rogue branch of the Cherokee, granting all Cherokee territory east of the Mississippi to the United States, and in return forces the Cherokee to get the hell off what is now US land.
Fairest. Deal. Ever.
Fairest. Deal. Ever.
Dec 28: On This Day in 1999: Turkmenistan leader, Saparmurat Niyazov, is declared 'President For Life' by his adoring hand-picked parliament.
He shuts down hospitals, libraries, the internet, and, weirdly, bans lip synching.
He will go on to become one of the world's leading mad dictators.
He shuts down hospitals, libraries, the internet, and, weirdly, bans lip synching.
He will go on to become one of the world's leading mad dictators.
December 28, 2024 at 3:08 PM
Dec 28: On This Day in 1999: Turkmenistan leader, Saparmurat Niyazov, is declared 'President For Life' by his adoring hand-picked parliament.
He shuts down hospitals, libraries, the internet, and, weirdly, bans lip synching.
He will go on to become one of the world's leading mad dictators.
He shuts down hospitals, libraries, the internet, and, weirdly, bans lip synching.
He will go on to become one of the world's leading mad dictators.
Dec 27: On This Day In 1979: President Hafizullah Amin of Afghanistan, after convincing the Soviet Union to send its military to his country, is given the exciting news that Soviet Troops have crossed the border.
They immediately storm his palace and shoot him in the head.
Merry Christmas.
They immediately storm his palace and shoot him in the head.
Merry Christmas.
December 27, 2024 at 4:50 PM
Dec 27: On This Day In 1979: President Hafizullah Amin of Afghanistan, after convincing the Soviet Union to send its military to his country, is given the exciting news that Soviet Troops have crossed the border.
They immediately storm his palace and shoot him in the head.
Merry Christmas.
They immediately storm his palace and shoot him in the head.
Merry Christmas.