Instant Expert returns to St. Louis at The Heavy Anchor this Wednesday evening! Come check out an incredible interview with a bona fide expert!

I have a ton of hobbies - I need 4 lifetimes to pursue them.

I won’t rest until Ryan Coogler & Steve Coogan team up as The Coogar Boys™

“I couldn’t be more excited!”, she gushed as she was handed her birthday present, a box wrapped in pretty paper.

But she knew this was a lie, because this present could be filled with meth, and how much more excited would she be after doing a whole box of meth?

“How did I lose my leg? Great question.

Truth is - I forgot, but I do recall there was a lot of blood & pain & it had something to do with a shark and I heard a bystander say ‘Where’s his leg?’”.

Hide extra cash inside your skull - thieves will never look there.

“By Christ, I’ll make it work!” the General said. He was determined, self-assured and had the nearly limitless funding of the US government behind him; unfortunately, the toothpaste was already out of the tube.

WHOA just heard that the sun, like, HURTS YOUR SKIN. Breakthrough news!

I guess tanning is remarkably stupid (?)

The snows at Lowe’s fall wholly in my nose

Much like the Sata Claus/Krampus dichotomy - if you don’t leave this out for Steve Rogers, then USAgent/John Walker comes and brutalizes you.

Without downloading any new pics, where are you mentally?

She crossed her legs and pressed them together - she loved being with a man so powerful.

“I was thinking about you handcuffing me, tying me up, and making me do the dirtiest things.”

“Ma’am, this is the third time you’ve broken into this vegetable cannery during operations. I am calling the cops.”

“I should probably go to bed,” he thought.

But he knew this would be a fool’s errand, because he had constructed The Bed You Can’t Sleep On (coming this Fall to Apple TV+)

“There was a commmunity here”, the elder said, “But after the warlords came they burned it all. Nothing was left of our community: our music, our art. We are nomads now; a people without a home. That’s why I use Super Male Vitality, from InfoWars.”

“I am the beast that stares through your window at night, watching your naked body contort erotically in your dreams. I’ve watched you longing for touch, putting your fingers where you want someone to penetrate and fill you. I’ve come to tell you this: the pizza will be done in about 20 minutes.”

The desert warrior picked up his spear and took the spyglass from his eye. He handed it to his comrade and pointed.

“There, look. On the horizon,” he said. “Instagram hoes.”

She propped her feet up on her desk; she had something to celebrate today.

Was this pride she was feeling? Self-satisfaction? Fulfillment?

Whatever it was, she knew one thing at her core: she’d drank 5 Grimace Shakes in one sitting and still hadn’t shit herself.

“There’s no one left,” he said to himself.

He looked at his hands and back up to the screen:

Diablo 4 - hours played - 999,999,999