but what i'm sad about is that i never got to impart my honest words & gratitute for what time we were able to know each other even if it seemed like they were biding their time, before *i* left. i wanted to be the one to make the decision & carry the burden.

for them, i was willing to say goodbye.

generally, i never get sad about being unfriended; like i've said before, if i follow someone on socmed & we have each other in private like disc., if they chose to unfriend me on disc. but keep me on socmed that's fine with me, i'm not bothered at all. i'll never chase & act like a slighted lover.

i do genuinely believe they were honest with me as it comes, but the latter portion of our friendship seemed to just be about placation. there was also a subversive hint of blame on me as well because they believed their friend more, which a friend also pointed out to me. >

it's about being a safe harbor for both w/o feeling the need to take up a sword for either. it's about staying true to your own values, even when those you care about are at odds. it's: "I value my history with you and I value my history with them, and I trust myself to navigate both independently."

because if you want to be a good friend, whether to people you've known for a long time, or just in general: loyalty is not only about choosing your friends—it's about refusing to let one person's conflict dictate how you treat another, because every relationship deserves to stand on its own merits.

adult friendships are hard. but you can absolutely be friends w/ 2 individuals who don't like each other; you can absolutely keep your friendships separate but treat them equally. your greatest friendships will come from understanding people that are *different* from you & each other.

i also don't think people understand that your closest friends can lie too. but being an adult means staying in your own lane *while* allowing yourself to make your own judgment about people & who to be friends with. *even if* your friend doesn't like the other person, & in spite of their struggles.

i just can't help but wonder now if all our exchanges, *extremely* long messages and heartful conversations, were just their way of riding the wave because *i* was always the one reaching out, or if they really meant every word.

maybe they didn't. i really do think they were just biding their time.

i had a really nice time tonight going outside & getting things done for myself that i haven't in ages. but coming home to finding out i was removed sooner than expected & all this, when i wanted to say thank you & good luck w/ everything after a day or two of trying to get my thoughts together...

so, i suppose, to the universe: if you see me as a chore, then don't keep me because you pity me. because i don't want anyone's pity. i would say "i want to be a friend", but i'd rather, i want to be seen as a person too, and matter just as much as the person sitting next to you/them/anyone.

i'm usually unabashedly the first to go. i'm used to being the one to leave, to give way, to let things grow without me. but admittedly, i'm a little sad tonight, as i wanted to say thank you and good luck, but i was removed before i could.

for the best... maybe.

i have friends i've known for YEARS and years that aren't with me on socmed, and yet we have each other on discord for ages. we are still friends, & stronger than ever.

somehow, i was hoping it would be the same here... but perhaps not. i seem to be just an option to some, i guess.

so, what, people just bide time like that, waiting for me to cut the cord? i absolutely do not mind cutting the cord first, ever. and/but in hindsight, given their change in behavior towards me... perhaps i should have cut the cord sooner.

the fact that i spotted their status on disc painting me as a "liar" when i was nothing but honest, before they changed it... then continued to talk to me in private; i adore the time with them so very much, but the fact that over time, they withdrew support from me & thought i wouldn't notice? >