*this post is sponsored by #olipop

Poppi knew exactly what they were doing with their #superbowl ads. Their target wasn’t the Jans of the world, it was the other people that could afford Super Bowl commercials. And the people that can pay for commercials DGAF that Jan’s kids dream of real food, because their kids have it.

Not that fresh affordable produce is anywhere to be found #DOGE eliminated any grants or funds for rural farmers and #USDA now funds agribusinesses. “What’s a real orange taste like momma?” The kids ask Jan as she tucks them into bed. “Kind of like poppi, I think” Jan can’t remember anymore

Now Jan’s kids are crying over their happy meals with poppi, their gut health being destroyed with each sobbing swallow. None of them know that fermented foods are natural probiotics because the DOE has been dismantled & whatever tf they did to tiktok during the 12 hour shutdown #iykyk

Thankfully McDonald’s has those 99c deals are all you can afford to eat since the bird flu that doesn’t exist has sky rocketed egg prices. You’d rather buy sandwiches at the mom & pop down the street but they had to close because people couldn’t afford the prices they had to charge to cover costs.

Coke now owns poppi and shuts down their Texas plant causing layoffs. Jan’s dusty ass ex good for nothing ex loses his job and stops paying child support. Thankfully, poppi is now available everywhere Coke products are sold. Like McDonald and the kids cry for their poppi.

Coca Cola notices poppi’s sales and start eying them for acquisition. Poppi’s CEO DGAF about your kid’s poppi addiction and sells because Trump tariff’s are making the costs of bottling too high and Coke wants to take poppi global and has the infrastructure to do it.

Jan Brady is back, her kids have cavities because she can’t afford dental insurance. She doesn’t remember why she bought poppi the first time but she likes that it’s a “healthy option” and the kids have grown to crave it. Poppi sales soar.

Poppi profits. President Elonia profits. Who suffers? People with gut health who can’t afford probiotics and the kids drinking nasty ass poppi drinks.

Jan Brady doesn’t remember the Super Bowl ad. She doesn’t remember that dumbass article either or commenting “people these want to blame Trump for everything” She sees poppi on sale at a store and buys it because she thinks the kids like it. The kids drink it because their mom buys it for them.

Now what feels like 16 years later those articles are gaining traction on the old angry people platforms cough cough #meta cough cough #twitter poppi starts to retarget ads on these platforms to people who interacted with Super Bowl content

Those commenters who were mad about poppi already forgot why they were mad and/or got thirsty and bought a poppi, maybe they had no other options. Maybe they just like poppi and didn’t deep it

Imagine you were one of the millions of Americans that watched the Super Bowl that also likes to comment on Twitter, FB or Instagram - now you’re starting to see coverage on the controversy in your feed. You forgot about the commercial, but you love laughing at influencer fails and stupid woke kids