i guess that nagging voice was at least partially right after all

what if i really dont belong here

being alone might be just the consequences of my own actions. i just wish this feeling had stopped at home. im feeling like that everywhere, all the time. home. school. even here. "this is not your place. this is not your family. these are not your colleagues. these are not your friends."

we sit at the table together to eat and i dont feel like im there. they eat together while i eat alone. sometimes i wonder if im the problem. i dont make enough effort. they invite me in, they leave the door open and i just look inside and walk away. maybe its my fault that i dont belong anywhere

my aunt, uncle and their son. all the times i was with them they were very welcoming to me but everytime i saw them interacting i just thought "this is not my place." it was not my family (even if it technically it was). now i feel that at home too with my mom, her bf and his son

i see all that. sometimes, if im lucky, some of them will come to the window and have a chat. maybe even invite me inside and have a seat, but i know i dont belong there. "this is not my place". ive felt that multiple times throughout the years. back then it was most intense when i was with

then again she sees me like twice a year if much so yeah not based. happy with the compliment though

something about me thinking all that yesterday only for one of my great aunties to come and say how much she likes the way i am and how she got no words to describe cause im just that great lmao

ofc i cant know that for sure but ive been having a hard time believing in my self-worth and believing people actually want to be around me so yeah rn that adds up for me

can i even change now

its so haover for me

im the biggest idiot i know

no matter how much i try i can never keep a friend group

anyway lots to think about these days. that stupid movie from last week also didnt help because of the sudden romantic urge i got then but ehh i should be back to my normal aro-self soon enough. just gotta think things out

but even the situationship and this type of haunting hurt is probably quite not the same cause again, it was a situationship, and second, it was the one i was "broken up" with, since he was the one who decided to bail (after ghosting me for a month lol but whatever to that)